Season Recap: The Hoopus Way

Instead of boring you with paragraph after paragraph about how bad the Wolves were this season, Canis Hoopus wants to go easy on you. That's why we're doing one sentence (give or take) recaps; the Internet is no place for lengthy diatribes...

Stop-n-Pop

• Corey Brewer - Has been labeled as everything from a 'potential Scottie Pippen' to a 'rich man's Raja Bell'. How about 'wrong Gator'?
• Rashad McCants - If only you were a year older, shot worse, cost more, and didn't have so many tattoos...you'd be starting at point.
• Al Jefferson - Stud. Happy to have you aboard.
• Randy Foye - At least his name rhymes with Roy.
• Kirk Snyder - A man who blew threw two 50 win squads before finally "getting it" while coming off the bench with a 22-win outfit. You can stay for the league minimum.
• Ryan Gomes - Future anchor of 2nd unit if rebuilding effort magically works.
• Sebastian Telfair - Excellent year. No snark. Enjoy the fruits of your labor as a backup on a legit team with a nice contract.
• Craig Smith - It was nice to know you. The team needs more cool nicknames.
• Marko Jaric - From paycheck to armcandy, no other Wolf has a history of getting more than he deserves. If he's not sitting in New Jersey for the lotto, the Wolves are litterally spitting in Karma's face.
• Chris Richard - I know, I wish we had Billy Donnovan too.
• Kevin McHale - The man supported Mitt Romney for President. With judgment like that, he shouldn't be allowed to make cereal, let alone run a major league franchise.
• Randy Wittman - Country Club afirmative action hire that put a hard working, inteligent, and more deserving coach out of work.
• Glen Taylor - From a wedding invite empire to major league basketball, Glenn is padding his resume for a McCain Administration appointment to Director of FEMA. Heckuva job Glenny!!!
• Michael Doleac - Had a kid!!!
• Greg Buckner - Almost lost the team some ping pong balls in Charlotte.
• Mark Madsen - Also supported Romney. Future member of the Country Club. 
• Antoine Walker - Website coming soon!!!
• Gerald Green - Dominating the Houston mens city league...one shoeless dunk at a time.
• Theo Ratliff - Doing in Detroit what he did in Minnesota: showing how well Big Al can play without a shot blocker.

Peter W

• Corey Brewer - Anorexic in body and shot.
• Rashad McCants - The best JR Rider impersonation I've seen in years.
• Al Jefferson - The franchise is yours if you really want it.
• Randy Foye - Brandon Roy was an All-Star this year...sorry.
• Kirk Snyder - Is it my imagination or do you smell like glue, my good fellow?
• Ryan Gomes - Basketball magicians are supposed to disappear less, not more.
• Sebastian Telfair - At least there's one stable member of the Marbury clan.
• Craig Smith - Dating Violet Palmer might get you a little love from the referees.
• Marko Jaric - News flash: mediocrity now a turn-on for supermodels!
• Chris Richard - I hope to see more of you next year.
• Kevin McHale - The only front-office executive who could make the Swarm as relevant in this market.
• Randy Wittman - Did your mother ever tell you never to coach with your mouth open?
• Glen Taylor - You must have Greyhound stock with as many people you've thrown under the bus lately.
• Michael Doleac, Greg Buckner, Mark Madsen - More examples of dedicated veterans being poorly treated by an administration.
• Antoine Walker - Walker Three Point Ranger no longer viewable in Minnesota.
• The Departed Gerald Green - It's true...you can't have your (cup)cake and eat it too.

Wyn

• Corey Brewer - Creatine, creatine, creatine.
  
• Greg Buckner - Buck Nasty was actually more valuable to us this year than Trenton would've been, on the court and the balance sheet.
  
• Michael Doleac - If we let him go, I think we should sign Brad Lohaus to fill the void.
  
• Randy Foye - Didn't take the reins, but may not have known how to hold them.
  
• Ryan Gomes - Lock him up.
  
• Marko Jaric - Most expensive improvisational comedy I've ever seen.
• Al Jefferson - I'm more thankful than ever that Al signed long-term before the season started.
  
• Mark Madsen - Pioneering the rare player/cheerleader role.
  
• Rashad McCants - Born to be traded.
• Chris Richard - Good enough to let Craig go?
  
• Craig Smith - Doesn't seem to fit on the floor, but seems to like the team.
  
• Kirk Snyder - Beware of contract players suddenly playing well.
  
• Sebastian Telfair - Showed that he was the best floor general on the team.
  
• Antoine Walker - The Prancing Unicorn will shoot again.