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First off, we need Kryptonite. Lots and lots of Kryptonite.
But Kryptonite only helps with LeBron. To defeat all of the Superfriends we must first know our enemies:
Eddie House/Robin: like Robin, Eddie House is a sidekick, and not the kind of player you build your team around. His weakness is over-confidence.
Joel Anthony/Green Lantern: Joel Anthony is Green Lantern because someone had to be so why not the UNLV dude from Canada?
Udonis Haslem/Wonder Woman: It's all about the hair (almost went with Mike Miller based on the euro-style headband, but Udonis is no Hawkman).
Zydrunas Ilgauskas/Aquaman: Lithuania is next to the ocean. Also, like Aquaman, Z sucks harder the longer he's out of water. [Note the wet towels they give him while he's on the bench.]
Mario Chalmers/Samurai: Yes, Samurai is a bogus Superfriend strictly from Bushido. Why Chalmers? From Mario's native Alaska, you can almost see Japan.
LeBron James/Superman: Rather than delve into the obvious, let's stay focused on the Kryptonite. LeBron is vulnerable to Green Kryptonite (ex: Darko delivering a hard foul), Red Kryptonite (think B-Easy going off for 30+), Gold Kryptonite (Pek delivering a spine-shattering flagrant foul), Blue Kryptonite (actually makes LBJ human, aka Corey Brewer having a brilliant defensive night), Black Kryptonite (what you get from heating green Kryptonite like crack and equally unlikely to impact this game), and White Kryptonite (kills plant-based cooties but unlikely to slow LeBron).
Chris Bosh/Batman: Lacking in super powers, Bosh makes up for his positional height disadvantage through quickness and BB IQ. His weakness: really hard fouls and Tolliver off the bench with some D.
Jerry Stackhouse/Black Vulcan: Gotcha! You thought that was Black Lightning, didn't you? DC created Black Vulcan just for Superfriends because Black Lightning's creator, Tony Isabella, wouldn't come to terms. Black Vulcan is a phony Superfriend, just like Jerry Stackhouse's D.
Dwayne Wade/Flash: Not the most exciting Superfriend, but yes, he's really really fast. Without Jonny Flynn it's questionable whether the Wolves can stop Wade. Our best bet? Tripping him. A lot.
Mike Miller/Hawkman: Injured, so who cares. Besides, Hawkman is weird, know what I mean? I'm not saying all Thanagarians are strange, but Hawkman? Most certainly.
Carlos Arroyo/Apache Chief: Yes, another made up Superfriend because DC's early '70s superhero pantheon was whiter than the 1948 Boston Celtics.
Not pictured: Hawkgirl, The Atom, Firestorm, Cyborg, Rima the Jungle Girl, and El Dorado, all of whom got cut last week.
Note: these are just goofs I'm doing to stay sane in an otherwise insane world, and are not meant to distract from Tim Allen's great game day previews. Be advised that I know considerably more about super heroes than I do NBA players.