I, Darko, Cannot Hit The Broad Side Of A Fish
by Jon Marthaler on Nov 12, 2010 11:01 AM CST
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Printby Darko Milicic*
People of Earth! I have a confession. I am sure that you have not noticed - you are Swedes, after all; you would not notice if I played with no pants. Which I am thinking of doing, because though I am sure it has escaped you, I, Darko, cannot hit the broad side of a fish.
Or is it the broad side of something else? A house? David Kahn's ego? Yes? No? I am ignorant of your English expressions. I am also ignorant of where the basket is. I have checked the numbers. Out of all the players in the NBA who have taken more than 50 shots this year, I have made the fewest percentage.
I am as shocked as you! I also thought that it would be Sebastian Telfair!
Coach Kurt Rambis says that I just need confidence. I wish that he would not insult me. Do you notice that everyone speaks of me as if I am an abused dog? I do not need your pity. I need a map to the rim. And also for someone to teach me a post move that is not the three-dribble, left-handed jump hook.
At least my defense has been good. I have blocked many shots. I am told that I am in the top ten in the league in blocking the shots! This is good, yes? I will bet that Al Jefferson is not in the top ten in the league. Except maybe in lazy defensive rotations. Ha! High five, Swedes? No? Yes?
But no matter how good I am on defense, I must be honest. I have not been "manna from heaven," like David Kahn says. More like Shawn Bradley from Utah, am I correct? Hello? Boy, you Swedes sure do not know how to laugh.
I have my own plan for getting things back on track, though. Even if I cannot shoot I can make our team better in other ways. Here are my next goals:
- Get glasses. I do not see how this can not help. If I wear goggles I can look like Coach Kurt Rambis!
- Teach Nikola Pekovic the difference between basketball and rugby. That guy is going to foul out of the United States if he is not careful.
- Get more people to call Wesley Johnson "Kill Shark." So far there is me, and... well, that is it. But I still think it has a chance to catch on.
- Learn from Kevin Love how to shoot. That guy is awesome and yet he looks like he should be dominating a rec league somewhere. I must find his secret.
- Grow a mustache that does not look like it was drawn on with a pencil. I do not see how this can not help.
So there we have it. I have a plan to not only improve me but to improve our whole team! There is nothing we can't do! Unless we are more than eight feet from the basket. Then, forget about it.
*No. As always.
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Keep your chin up, Darko.
We appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule of missing hook shots you could’ve dunked to update us on your progress.
We believe in you!
But if I may, a bit of advice: DUNK IT!
Too funny!!
Thanks for the laugh. I second the “learn to dunk” motion. You have been close enough on numerous occaisions to dunk.
Darko, I know you're a Vikings fan
But you have to stop using Tarvaris Jackson and his jump pass as the basis for your entire offensive arsenal. And yes. DUNK IT! This will result in many more trips to the free throw line, and will increase your impressive rate of 1.66 free throws per game. On a positive note, you are 5th in the league in blocked shots. Keep swatting them away, and your spot in our starting lineup is secured. With Action, KLo, and Sniper handling the scoring load, any offense you can generate is icing on the cake.
Darko's letters to the fans
are the best part of Canis Hoopus. And there are a lot of things to love about Canis Hoopus. Mucho props Jon.
Off Topic: Exchange BTW Ernie Grunfeld-Charles Barkley, halftime during
Lakers-Nuggets game
Ernie Grunfeld: "There’s been all kinds of talk about whether (Carmelo Anthony) is going to be traded from Denver, whether he’s going elsewhere…whether or not he wants to
be go, wants to stay. Does that take a toll (on his team)?
Charles Barkley: “Carmelo’s going to get his points, but he’s not there. At some point it
affects the locker room. Either you’re in, or your out. Yah, he’s going to get his points, but they’re not points where they’re putting an imprint on the game; and the players, at some
point, whether it’s behind closed doors…they’re gonna be like those idiots in Minnesota unleashing anonymous statements…”
When you’re superstar is not all the way in (it’ll show).
Wolves, it's time to "switch the flip".
Wow, interesting statement
I wonder who he refers to?
I can think of one name, but Charles implies there is another.
Maybe they are talking to StopnPop too?
Definitely
the Vikes, the many anonymous Vikes who have been bitching about Chili lately.
by princelyfrank on Nov 12, 2010 5:31 PM CST up reply actions
McHale & Barkley also discussed
That on a ggod team that kind of activity can mean the loss of 1-12 games a season.
On a weak or developing team it can be devastating
Wolves, it's time to "switch the flip".
and loss of 10-12 games vs 1-12 games. Too much kimchee in the keyboard.
Wolves, it's time to "switch the flip".
Darko, you just have to stop playing soft on offense. Let's see some
AGGRESSION.
Take your frustration out on somebody (The other team).
Kill the basket. Don’t pet it.
Be like Lennie in ‘Mice and Men’. Unleash your Darko side. Kill it.
Wolves, it's time to "switch the flip".
Hey, Darko. You can't tell Svensk from Norsk.
How can you expect to learn to shoot if you don’t know that?
Wolves, it's time to "switch the flip".
It's as dramatic
as the difference between Serbia and Croatia.
For a second I thought this Darko monolog had been "Sweded."
As in,
The Michel
Gondry
movie
thing.
Every real thought on every real subject knocks the wind out of somebody or other. – OWH
If Dark Lord doesnt get the ball in the hole soon...
I’m predicting he rips his jersey AND shorts in 1/2 during the game.
Imagine that tho, you rip your jersey in 1/2 and you can’t go back in the game cause you ripped your jersey in 1/2.
“Sorry coach, I’m done down here. No jersey. I ripped it in 1/2. See?”
Maybe it was because he fouled out tho.
His Shot
I have noticed he is often short on FTs and his FGAs. I blame conditioning. Darko…start doing some bench press.
I've heard him talk about lifting weights
He says he gets too big too fast.
Ah, Dark Lord, it’s the NBA and you’re a center and you stink. Just try it one year.
by fanslaststand on Nov 12, 2010 4:37 PM CST via mobile up reply actions
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