I, Darko, Am Staying in Minnesota!

From Jerry Zgoda and the Star Tribune:

Darko's agent, Marc Cornstein, called his client "extremely excited this is in place." "Darko wanted to be there," Cornstein said. "He felt like this is home from the moment he got there. Kurt Rambis has been fantastic for him. He's resurrected his career. He has genuine belief in Darko as a player and a person."

by Darko Milicic*

People of Minnesota, I have some extremely good news! I, Darko, wanted to stay in Minnesota - and now I am able to!

I cannot tell you all how much I have enjoyed my brief time in the Cities of the Twin. (Do I have this nickname right? Yes? No?) This is the first place I have been where I have been appreciated for what I am. I should have known this before I came here. Any place that is willing to put up with Kevin McHale as a general manager for more than twenty minutes must have a true love for tall white guys.

Coach Kurt Rambis and I have become the best of friends. He thinks Swedes are gullible and slow, just like me! "Darko," he says to me, "you can get away with anything around here. Tell them that you don't have a snow shovel. You'll have a dozen Swedes shoveling your driveway before the hour is up. Last year I told a random fan that I hadn't had time to buy a lawnmower yet, and he did all of my yard work for the rest of the year. For free! He wouldn't accept any payment, and at the end of the year, he actually brought me a hotdish. These people will do anything. Hope you like egg noodles and cream of mushroom soup!"

I like David Kahn much better now, too. He is no longer threatening to break my fingers. Instead, he gives me a good contract, and says I will play a lot. I like him. He also says he will sign only three or four more foreign centers and power forwards. I can ask no more than this, except that he stop staring at me. I am afraid that he will steal my thoughts with his scary half grin.

Now that I am a Timberwolves for many years, however, I feel I can tell the truth about this team. We stink. We smell worse than the Port of Belgrade in the summertime. Can one imagine this?

I will help, of course. This year, I will not be bloated up like a balloon in that awful New York parade. I am working out and staying away from the bad foods, the kabasica, the sarma. One cannot even get barbecued goat around this place! (Disappointing, no? Yes?)

We also have other ways to improve. Here are my ideas - five good ones.

1. Allow me to talk to Jonny Flynn. "Jonny," I will say, "if I catch you shooting a bad shot with nineteen seconds on the shot clock again, I will pound you on the head until your stumpy legs screw into the floor. " Larry Brown used to say this to me all the time. And he once burned me with a cigarette.
2. We should get rid of Oleg Pecherov. He looks like Stewie Griffin. Creepy.
3. Al Jefferson wants to be traded. This is good. I played defense for about five possessions before the crowd loved me. The crowd much less loves Al. How much defense has he played?
   
4. We will get Corey Brewer some glasses. I do not see how this can not help.
5. We will give Wesley Johnson a cool nickname. I used to be called "The Human Victory Cigar," which was not very nice. We will be calling Wesley something much better. I am thinking "Kill Shark." Who will take on Kill Shark? No one would take on Kill Shark!

I believe this will be a much better year for the Timberwolves. I am very happy here in Minnesota. I cannot wait to get back for pre-season training. I, Darko, am in Minnesota for a long time! Oh, and Swedes - when I get back, I will have nothing to eat. I like your meatballs. Thank you!

*Of course not.

And I still don't know exactly how Darko speaks. He is, however, immediately my favorite player.