FanPost

Bill Simmons' Greatest Hits: Part 1

Turnabout is fair play, so I thought I'd start posting some of Simmons' crack analysis over the years. I like his writing and his ideas, but his predictions have shown me that he's not quite a basketball mind on the same level of guys like Britt Robson. Though he does admit often, "I'm an idiot," it's nice to have a reminder of that idiocy. So here's the first installment in an ongoing series:

  1. "Joe Forte falls to the Celts at No. 21! Dad and I are fired up right now."
  2. "As the New York crowd howls in disgust, Vecsey reports that the Nets dealt Eddie Griffin to the Rockets for Richard Jefferson, Jason Collins, Kermit Washington and the No. 23 pick, or as I like to call it, "C-R-A-P." Is there a worse franchise than the Nets?"
  3. "Brimming with cap space, the Pistons' big summer moves were 1.) handing out $33 million over six years for Corliss Williamson (that isn't a misprint), and 2.) dealing for Cliff Robinson (apparently Alex English and Larry Nance weren't available). That reminds me, here's a math equation for all you aspiring Will Huntings out there: (Cold weather teams + lots of cap space) X (free agency) = ??????? (Answer: The lottery!)"
  4. "To the Toronto Raptors, who defied the odds by keeping their major free agents (Alvin Williams, Antonio Davis, Jerome Williams) and even securing a $5 million trade exemption from the Oakley trade to make a run at another free agent. One more key addition, and they might even be the Eastern favorites ... heck, they might even convince Vince Carter to play his entire career in Canada!"
  5. "Deep down, you know Duncan is kicking himself for staying in San Antonio for three more years. It's not like David Robinson is going to do better against Shaq next season. And it's not like the Derek Anderson-Steve Smith exchange will help the team's chances of defending Kobe Bryant next season. Orlando must be look pretttttttttty good right about now."
  6. "To the Suns. You knew they would shake things up, but did they really have to exile J-Kidd to New Jersey? Shouldn't there be an NBA rule that reads, 'Any point guard who can run a fast break and actually cares about getting his teammates involved should not be allowed to play for a crappy team that's off the radar map?' I feel bad just thinking about Kidd wearing a Nets uniform, the same way I felt bad when John C. Reilly popped up in Never Been Kissed and For Love of the Game two years ago. Some things are just out of our control"
  7. "To Marbury. From all accounts, his biggest problems in New Jersey revolved around the fact that he couldn't handle playing with lousy teammates on a lousy team. Now he's in a lively NBA city, in good weather, with better teammates on a team that desperately needed a GTG (go-to guy) ... and as an added bonus, he hasn't had his breakout year yet. Right guy, right place, right time, just like Dirk Diggler at Jack Horner's pool party back in the late-'70s. You've been warned."
  8. "There isn't a more underrated player in the league right now than Keon Clark. I'm not kidding. I keep writing this and nobody listens to me -- if he played 40 minutes a game, he'd be a 20/10 guy, night after night. Mark my words. And it's all done on two toothpick legs."
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