"You don't know me. And you don't even care."
Minnesota Timberwolves (1-0 in 2011) vs. Boston Celtics (25-7) at TD Banknorth Garden
With Kevin Garnett expected to be sidelined for at least two weeks with a right leg injury, the Boston Celtics face off against Minnesota with little hope of getting a win. The Timberwolves have been playing their best basketball in two seasons and have won three out of four after defeating New Jersey by 15 on Saturday. Although the Celtics have won seven in a row against the Wolves and their starting point guard is back, its unlikely to matter against Kevin Love, Michael Beasley, Kosta Koufos and the rest of the celebriWolves.
Let's break down the matchups below the fold:
Darko Milicic vs. That Guy From the Comcast Commercials
There have not been many examples of actors and other celebrities successfully pursuing careers in sports. The Celtics are trying to reverse that trend, however, by starting That Guy From Kazaam at center. Known for roles in movies such as Blue Chips, Steel, Freddy Got Fingered and Scary Movie 4 - as well as a television show where a regular guy goes up against top athletes such as Ben Roethlisberger and Oscar de la Hoya in their respective sports - the Celtics center is hoping that his acting chops will be useful on the basketball court.
One theory about why he is making this move to basketball is because opportunities for movie roles have dried up in recent years and he's tired of doing commercials for companies such as Comcast and IcyHot. Another theory is that he is preparing for an upcoming role in Celtic Pride 2.
Either way, That Guy Who Guest Starred With Fu-Schnickens is going to realize that when Darko Milicic is throwing down dunks and left-handed hooks, there is no one there to yell "cut!".
Winner: Darko MIlicic
Kevin Love vs. That Guy Who Cried on the Bench
Although no one I spoke to knows his real name, they call this guy 'Big Baby', which is a nickname that he may have gotten by crying during pee-wee basketball practice. I always thought that the nickname came from the time that Kevin Garnett yelled at him during a game and he cried on the bench or the time that the LSU cafeteria cut him off after eating his sixth piece of chocolate cake. Hey, he's an emotional guy. Nothing wrong with that.
'Big Baby' will have good reason to cry during tonight's game after Kevin Love gets a 20/20 on him. I hope someone at TD Banknorth Garden bought extra Kleenex for the Celtics' locker room. Kevin Love's All-Star tour will continue tonight in Boston and Celtic fans will get to see the best rebounder to play in the NBA since Bill Russell played in the original Garden decades ago.
Winner: Kevin Love
Michael Beasley vs. The Guy Carried Off the Court in a Wheelchair
After Garnett and Sam Cassell led the Celtics to the 2008 NBA Finals, one of their teammates - That Guy Who Went to Kansas - hurt his knee and looked like he might either die or give birth right there on the court. His teammates had to carry him to a wheelchair where he was taken back to the locker room. Given the way That Guy Who Once Called Himself the Best Shooter of All-Time was shrieking, I assumed the Celtics' doctors were going to amputate the leg and I thought it was probably a good thing that there weren't any horse doctors on the training staff.
Turns out That Guy Who Lost 18 Straight just watched a lot of Willis Reed videos as a kid and wanted to emulate him. He ran back out onto the court like Forrest Gump after his leg braces fell off. Ironically, after faking his injury and coming back out of the locker room, That Guy Who Lost the FIBA Championship to Yugoslavia got carried to an NBA title by Garnett, Cassell, P.J. Brown, Tony Allen and the rest of the Celtics' stars.
Michael Beasley only uses wheelchairs to push around the bodies of people he has beaten on the basketball court. Just to be safe, they better keep one on hand tonight.
Winner: Michael Beasley
Wesley Johnson vs. The Guy From 'He Got Game' (Not Denzel)
This Guy From Connecticut began his basketball career as a talented high school player who was being pursued by some of the top college programs in the nation. Unfortunately, his father was serving time at Attica Correctional Facility for accidentally killing his mother by pushing her during an argument. His father was temporarily released from prison by the governor, who wanted him to persuade This Guy From Harvard Man to attend the governor's alma mater.
It's an intriguing story - and That Guy With Obsessive Compulsive Disorder did get some nice action with Jill Kelly and Chasey Lain - but a good story can't match up with Wesley Johnson. By the time Johnson gets done with him tonight, we'll also be able to call him That Guy With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
That Guy Drafted After Shareef Abdur-Rahim better call up Denzel Washington for another lesson how to play quality basketball.
Winner: Wesley Johnson
Luke Ridnour vs. The Guy Minnesota Passed On for Sebastian Telfair
A good point guard is hard to find. The Timberwolves found one in Luke Ridnour, who is the best playmaker the team has had in several years. The Celtics, on the other hand, have not had one since Sam Cassell hung it up to go coach the Wizards. While the Celtics have Nate Robinson - the third best Slam Dunk Contest contestant in NBA history (next to Gerald Green and J.R. Rider) - the team has decided to start That Guy Who Lost at H-O-R-S-E to Kevin Durant at point guard against the Timberwolves.
It's hard to say whether That Guy Selected After Cedric Simmons, Oleksiy Pecherov and Quincy Douby is better known for his passing, his defense or his lack of a jump shot. When Kobe Bryant guarded him last year, he could basically cherry-pick on the other end, since he knew That Guy Who Wasn't Even All-Rookie First Team couldn't make a shot.
In addition to Ridnour, Minnesota also has Jonny Flynn (who practiced Sunday and traveled with the team to Boston) and Sebastian Telfair, who Kevin McHale insisted upon including in his Kevin Garnett trade, despite Danny Ainge's insistance to give up That Guy Who The Suns Didn't Want.
Maybe the Celtics will get lucky and can draft Kemba Walker this summer to solve their point guard woes.
Winner: Luke Ridnour
How Danny Ainge still has a job is beyond me. This group of no-names could barely beat the University of Minnesota, let alone the Minnesota Timberwolves. After the legacies of Russell, Cousy, Havlicek, Cowens and Bird, these Celtic fans deserve more than this Major League-like collection of talent.