Glen Taylor to announce new "austerity program"
by Wile E Coyote on Apr 20, 2011 6:45 AM CDT
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Glen Taylor, owner of the Minnesota Timberwolves, is expected to announce a new "austerity program" this afternoon to counter massive financial losses. The plan is expected to contain the following actions:
- Taylor plans to reduce the Timberwolves roster from 15 to 10 players. The remaining five positions will be available for fan participation in a new promotion called "Be One of the Pack!". Fans can spend $1200 to participate in a game day shoot-around and pre-game warm-ups. Depending on the score at the end of the game, fans may get the chance to play during "Veolia Environmental Services Garbage Time!"
- The mascot Crunch will be replaced by a cartoon named "Jumpy Wolf" created by Taylor's granddaughter Penelope-Anne. It will be shown on the jumbotron at slow periods during games such as the fourth quarter.
- This year's lottery pick will be sold to help finance the contract buyout of 2009 lottery pick Johnny Flynn.
- Ricky Rubio will be traded to the New York Knicks for ten cases of Statue of Liberty tourist mementos. Taylor plans to sell these items during a "Taste of New York City" promotion when the Knicks visit Target Center.
- Taylor considered NFL-style personal seat licenses but deemed them "somewhat unlikely" to be tolerated by season ticket holders. Instead he will install parking meters by each seat. The "Quarter Each Quarter" program will require fans to insert 25 cents at the beginning of each quarter to avoid receiving a ticket from a roving meter maid. The ticket will be to an upcoming home game against the Golden State Warriors.
- David Kahn and Kurt Rambis will be retained regardless of their win/loss record since hiring replacements would require "thousands of dollars ... maybe more".
- The scouting department will be replaced by usage of the Draft Express mock draft. The mock draft has beaten the Wolves draft record every year but one, and has the advantage of being free.
- The Timberwolves dance team will be replaced by brief video clips on the jumbotron from the television show "Charley's Angels".
Note: The preceding is satire and not based on an actual Internet news report. Had this been actual news, someone else would have posted it already.
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Taylor considered NFL-style personal seat licenses but deemed them “somewhat unlikely” to be tolerated by season ticket holders. Instead he will install parking meters by each seat. The “Quarter Each Quarter” program will require fans to insert 25 cents at the beginning of each quarter to avoid receiving a ticket from a roving meter maid. The ticket will be to an upcoming home game against the Golden State Warriors.
That is some funny shit.
"Of what use is a philosopher who does not hurt anybody's feelings?" -Diogenes of Sinope
That paragraph is absolutely brilliant!
Cheers, Wile E.
by I.M. Fletcher on Apr 19, 2011 5:58 PM CDT up reply actions
Gotta love the note on the end
At first I was like that sounds like a good deal why have only 5 people commented on it. I also thought right away that someone else probably would have posted it before.
I'm Trill, I'm running w/ the WOLVES
by running with Twolves (and scissors) on Apr 19, 2011 3:33 AM CDT reply actions
Methinks Wile E Coyote just volunteered
to write 82 game previews next year. Congratulations on being the first annual winner of the Tim Allen award. since we still have the real Tim Allen, next year will have to be even more hilarious than this year.
I am amazed by the time & energy
Tim expended this season. It was one of the many reasons to keep coming back to CH despite all the losing.
"It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future." -- Yogi Berra
by Wile E Coyote on Apr 19, 2011 8:37 AM CDT up reply actions
Tim may have also single-handedly
kept Canis from being sent “cease & desist” warnings from the Wolves.
"It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future." -- Yogi Berra
by Wile E Coyote on Apr 19, 2011 8:39 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Kahn the lawyer tried to sent cease and desist order
but yours truly being the evil mastermind that he is, had them forwarded to McHale’s place up in Hibbing. That way McHale won’t notice them until he actually goes through the effort of going through his mail. And judging from his work ethic while GM of our favorite comic tragedy of a team that would be right after hell freezes over.
I do what I can.
-T.E.P.
No one is getting Rubio's rights unless they pry them from our cold dead fingers.
by TheEvilProfessor on Apr 19, 2011 1:25 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
send...not sent
damn public education and a lack of patience..okay maybe more of the latter.
No one is getting Rubio's rights unless they pry them from our cold dead fingers.
by TheEvilProfessor on Apr 19, 2011 1:25 PM CDT up reply actions
My parents
send me too public school when I is younger to.
, said Mplax.
Thanks TEP for all that you do
and some things you don’t do ;)
When did I become a masochist?
by frankenhoops on Apr 20, 2011 11:25 AM CDT up reply actions
The first bullet
Seems like a real option. What is cutting five T-wolves and replacing it with generated income? Maybe good business.
"Do not bite at the bait of pleasure, till you know there is no hook beneath it."
by twolvesparamour on Apr 20, 2011 8:25 AM CDT reply actions
As long as we are into satire, this is hilarious
It features some MN politicians in a rewrite of a Sam Cook classic…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tN-drEG7wms&feature=player_embedded
heh…
That's pretty funny.
"Of what use is a philosopher who does not hurt anybody's feelings?" -Diogenes of Sinope
by Cynical Jason on Apr 20, 2011 5:38 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Maybe it's just me
but almost all of this sounded plausible, except Glen giving away free tickets to watch the GSW lay down a whopping on the TPups. That would NEVER happen! Nice post otherwise…..%
Smug liberal elitist Uptown hipster since before last week...
Nice Work
Now that the pain of watching the games is over, I can enjoy the fun of this post. Well done.
This should probably be implemented for real:
The scouting department will be replaced by usage of the Draft Express mock draft.
If you really really sucked at your job...
and there were only about thirty or so said jobs, you being the worst at it, would you make your employer fire you?
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