Glen Taylor, owner of the Minnesota Timberwolves, is expected to announce a new "austerity program" this afternoon to counter massive financial losses. The plan is expected to contain the following actions:
- Taylor plans to reduce the Timberwolves roster from 15 to 10 players. The remaining five positions will be available for fan participation in a new promotion called "Be One of the Pack!". Fans can spend $1200 to participate in a game day shoot-around and pre-game warm-ups. Depending on the score at the end of the game, fans may get the chance to play during "Veolia Environmental Services Garbage Time!"
- The mascot Crunch will be replaced by a cartoon named "Jumpy Wolf" created by Taylor's granddaughter Penelope-Anne. It will be shown on the jumbotron at slow periods during games such as the fourth quarter.
- This year's lottery pick will be sold to help finance the contract buyout of 2009 lottery pick Johnny Flynn.
- Ricky Rubio will be traded to the New York Knicks for ten cases of Statue of Liberty tourist mementos. Taylor plans to sell these items during a "Taste of New York City" promotion when the Knicks visit Target Center.
- Taylor considered NFL-style personal seat licenses but deemed them "somewhat unlikely" to be tolerated by season ticket holders. Instead he will install parking meters by each seat. The "Quarter Each Quarter" program will require fans to insert 25 cents at the beginning of each quarter to avoid receiving a ticket from a roving meter maid. The ticket will be to an upcoming home game against the Golden State Warriors.
- David Kahn and Kurt Rambis will be retained regardless of their win/loss record since hiring replacements would require "thousands of dollars ... maybe more".
- The scouting department will be replaced by usage of the Draft Express mock draft. The mock draft has beaten the Wolves draft record every year but one, and has the advantage of being free.
- The Timberwolves dance team will be replaced by brief video clips on the jumbotron from the television show "Charley's Angels".
Note: The preceding is satire and not based on an actual Internet news report. Had this been actual news, someone else would have posted it already.