David Kahn Announces New Method of Drafting Players


(AP) - Hours after making several controversial comments about the NBA Draft Lottery, David Kahn discussed a new method of drafting players at the Wolves' underground bunker under Wolves headquarters.  For years, Kahn had relied on a scientific method where he chose one of his favorite movies and associated it with a player to draft.  Originally, Kahn had intended to follow through with the "PG-13" rating he saw on the box of "Rush Hour 3."  However, after failing to convince his children that "Rush Hour 3" was indeed a good movie, Kahn admitted that he "gave up" and worked on creating a new drafting method.


Kahn led reporters a small, dark room with flickering lights, consisting of only a metal table and a chair.  On the wall was a sign saying "Draft Central."   There, he detailed how he chose his players, proudly handing out a sheet of instructions he had spent two days typing up.  He claimed that he had given it a "test run" last year, and that it had given him "great results."

  1. Get six blank bullets.  Label each one with the name of a player. 
  2. Load a gun with the six bullets
  3. Spin chamber
  4. Fire

After answering questions about his draft strategy, Kahn humorously recounted an episode where a Wolves fan had found out his new drafting method and tried to sabotage it.  Somehow, he had managed to break into Kahn's drafting office, which was locked with the "strongest zip ties in the world."

"I walk in, and there he was, trying to replace my blanks with actual bullets!  I was surprised at first, but in the end we all had a good laugh about it.  That fan was laughed a little too hard, though.  It was weird."

Kahn also confirmed that this method was different than his method than his method for trading and signing players, which involved "a hook, a clown, mushrooms, a cardboard box, and an blindfold."  Despite several questions, however, Kahn refused to reveal the method, stating that "I'm not a stupid GM."  When reminded of Darko Milicic, Kahn claimed, "That wasn't me.  That was all on the clown."

As of the writing of this article, none of the other NBA GMs have responded to Kahn's requests to adopt the new drafting method.

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