The Whore of Akron
by TMiss on Jan 11, 2012 5:12 PM CST
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Scott Raab's "The Whore of Akron: One Man's Search for the Soul of LeBron James" is really mostly about what it's like to be a sports fan when your owner sucks and your team blows. Oh, LeBron James' name comes up often, but the real story is about the hell that Art Model and Dan Gilbert have put Cleveland sports fans through.
In short, it's great reading for Star-less Minnesota sports fans. Here's an example of why:
What exactly was the nature of my faith?
Its depth I knew, or, rather, felt. My wife I love with all my heart, and I would take a bullet for my boy—but decades before I ever met Lisa or saw my son’s face, I lived and died with Cleveland sports. Fanship was essential, a part of me without which I would not have known my soul.
My faith never was mild, and rarely pretty. In junior high, I was a regular caller to Pete Franklin, an early, nasty sports-talk radio avatar. At games, I was an angry jackass. In front of the TV, I was worse—a screaming, cursing asshole. All I wanted was the one thing that my teams always struggled to deliver: a win. In lieu of that, I wanted blood. And this—this wanting, this passion, this
bottomless well of need and furious love—had become my living faith, an elemental way of defining life itself.
The truth that came to me that morning as I sat in the rocker dawned slow and shook me to the core. It was not a crumbling of my faith, which had fed upon a half century of season-ending defeats so naked in their bitterness that they had become national legend, a five-minute reel the networks ran whenever a Cleveland team made it to a big game.*
What shook me was the realization that a fundamental tenet of my faith—a Cleveland team would win another championship during my lifetime—might be wrong.
I began to cry. Quietly, at first. Followed by soft moaning. Soft, I say: I really didn’t want my wife to hear me. But she did, and she came downstairs.
“What’s wrong?”
“They can’t beat Orlando,” I said. “It isn’t going to happen.” She came over to the chair and bent to hug me.
“I’m never going to see it,” I sniffled. “Not even with LeBron.”
“Oh, baby,” she said, pressing my head to her belly.“You think maybe I could get a handjob?”
And that, I think, sums up the lives of more sports fans than any of us would care to admit. Whether it's LeBron or B-Easy or Darko, our heroes drive us nuts especially in this the age of the portable superstar.
This is the first sports book I've read in decades. Vick Mickunas, an old friend who blogs about books for the Dayton Daily News, turned me on to Raab's book, and then my interest was rekindled when he interviewed Raab for the public radio station in Yellow Springs (an oasis of liberality in hyper-conservative southern Ohio). I don't know if Raab has ever heard of Canis Hoopus, but he'd fit right in with the fans here.
Vick, btw, is a rabid baseball fan. I think this book review and interview were as much for my benefit as his, altho he certainly rekindled his interest in NBA basketball when KG left the Wolves for his beloved Boston (yes, he's a Red Sox fan as well). His readers aren't really into sports but that's OK, Raab's book isn't really about sports. Or rather, what Raab's "Whore of Akron" is all about is all the stuff associated with sports other than the actual, you know, game.
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Sorry
I have been a sports fan all my life. I don’t appreciate folks who pick their teams or players by who is the current hot player or team. I still find people like Raab to be pathetic. Letting his happiness be determined by something so beyond his control as the ephemeral success of Cleveland teams is a completely unbalanced way to live. I wonder how much of a competitor he was himself. I would like to think folks who have been athletes themselves, at whatever level, both winning and losing when they had an actual part in the event, would have greater perspective and appreciation for both sides of the coin. I haven’t read the book. I assume it’s entertaining. But if it is serious, then this is someone with a lot of issues. He needed to let all of this junk go a long, long time ago.
Raab has never been an athlete
and the book goes into detail about what a loser he’s been throughout much of his life. I used that quote because I thought it was rather endearing the way in which he used his pain to try to leverage a hand job from his wife.
But what I value most from his book is the passion fans bring to sports, as opposed to the dispassionate pricks who “own” the teams we root for.
Yes, this is me once again pushing for public ownership of pro teams. Raab is haunted by the Browns leaving Cleveland and LeBron’s betrayal is framed by that history. You may think Raab is nuts, but he captures the sense of betrayal Cavs fans (or at least older Cavs fans) had when LeBron packed up and left.
What's wrong with the NBA is what's wrong with the USA: too much respect for superstars and not enough for working class heroes.
Endearing, huh?
I used that quote because I thought it was rather endearing the way in which he used his pain to try to leverage a hand job from his wife.
As a woman (who also happens to besomeone’s wife), let me tell you that I can imagine few things less attractive or endearing than a grown man crying over a professional sports team…and then attempting to manipulate you into soothing him with a handjob. But maybe that’s just me.
My initial reaction was the same as yours
(not that I’m either a woman or a wife), but my second, stronger reaction was: No effing way that conversation happened. That’s like a joke rejected by the writers of an even dumber Two and a Half Men.
Of course, he still put it in a book, so he’s still slimy.
"Of what use is a philosopher who does not hurt anybody's feelings?" -Diogenes of Sinope
by Cynical Jason on Jan 11, 2012 6:53 PM CST up reply actions
Not to share too much
but the book makes it clear that this is pretty much the nature of their relationship. Raab left his wife the doctor for a horny gal of suitable years who loves his sense of humor which is very self-deprecating.
He gets the hand job, btw. That, I thought, was too much information but the book is quite chatty in that regard. If you want to learn about how LeBron left Cleveland, you have to wade through a lot about Raab, his family and his life. If you can handle his sense of humor, it’s a funny albeit whiny book.
What's wrong with the NBA is what's wrong with the USA: too much respect for superstars and not enough for working class heroes.
Nothing is wrong with crying.
I am objecting to “Waaahhhh….wahhhhh…the Cavs looooost…..Oh. Hey honey. Can you jerk me off?”
Which raises the obvious question
What is the most effective way to ask for a handjob?
The Wolves are like the worst meal you've ever had--terrible while you're eating it and even worse later.
by Eric in Madison on Jan 11, 2012 9:18 PM CST up reply actions
Wait until the end of the interview, for one thing.
"Of what use is a philosopher who does not hurt anybody's feelings?" -Diogenes of Sinope
by Cynical Jason on Jan 11, 2012 9:32 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
LMAO
Looking for tickets to Wolves' 2011 NBA Preseason Champion ring ceremony, banner unfurling. Please contact
by Black Jack Davy on Jan 12, 2012 6:31 PM CST up reply actions
Yeah, that's the answer I usually get
The Wolves are like the worst meal you've ever had--terrible while you're eating it and even worse later.
by Eric in Madison on Jan 11, 2012 9:50 PM CST up reply actions 6 recs
LOL don't ask
Put her hand on your engorged member after have been making out for a while. If she is not down with that yet, she will let you know.
A tip for all the younger guys out there who are still in the dating scene: If you ask a woman a question about this kind of stuff, the answer will almost always be ‘no’. That is her society programming. So don’t ask. Instead, lead gradually with your actions while assuming a ‘yes’ but remaining sensitive to even the smallest amount of negative feedback from her.
Looking for tickets to Wolves' 2011 NBA Preseason Champion ring ceremony, banner unfurling. Please contact
by Black Jack Davy on Jan 12, 2012 6:29 PM CST up reply actions
I usually just grunt and point back and forth
I’ve learned not to let out a guttural yell and toss and chair after they refuse, though. Progress!
Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.
Step 1
Cut a hole in a box.
Michael Beasley is a Small Forward. Derrick Williams is a Power Forward.
Step two
poke your cranium into that hole you cut into that box.
Step three
Let her open that box.
Step four
Watch her recognize that you’re a dick in a box.
Ha!
"Of what use is a philosopher who does not hurt anybody's feelings?" -Diogenes of Sinope
by Cynical Jason on Jan 13, 2012 7:01 PM CST up reply actions
Not to defend the guy....
….but what parts of happiness are really under your control? I think it could be argued that the only true happiness lays in knowing where one stands in regards to the rest of the world, regardless of what “the rest of the world” means from our own miniscule perspectives. In this sense, and with what little I have read about the guy, it is entirely possible that he is capable of happiness and balance for reasons entirely add odds with any situations and emotions you would associate with those words. if he “let his junk go” a long time ago he would have essentially rejected the world that helped mold him and would be doomed to true unhappiness.
(BTW, I guess existentialism is in the air.)
And I was planning
a “Myth of Sisyphus” post, just to go all Camusian on the site. I decided it would be beating a dead horse, though.
"Of what use is a philosopher who does not hurt anybody's feelings?" -Diogenes of Sinope
by Cynical Jason on Jan 11, 2012 6:51 PM CST up reply actions
As long as I'm not
eyeless in Gaza, I can live with myself…
I do totally believe that the quoted story was fantasy as opposed to reality. God help us, we do externalize inner turmoil and imbed it to some degree on teams or candidates or countries, but in the end all our projections just lead us back to our hope of redemption in our own eyes. Oh, and there is always just a bit of entertainment value in any projection!
2012 the year of Twolves porcelain extraction?
What?!
My guy can’t beg for a hand job but you can beat a dead horse?
What's wrong with the NBA is what's wrong with the USA: too much respect for superstars and not enough for working class heroes.
And a placque upon your sirrah
What's wrong with the NBA is what's wrong with the USA: too much respect for superstars and not enough for working class heroes.
A hoopus on your canines
and an El Niño up your kilt
What's wrong with the NBA is what's wrong with the USA: too much respect for superstars and not enough for working class heroes.
by TMiss on Jan 11, 2012 7:23 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
That made me laugh until I cried.
Is that a quadruple-entendre?
"Of what use is a philosopher who does not hurt anybody's feelings?" -Diogenes of Sinope
by Cynical Jason on Jan 11, 2012 8:41 PM CST up reply actions
I have to assume that Camus would either be in tears from laughter
or utter contempt of the illiterate stabs I’ve made in his honor…
2012 the year of Twolves porcelain extraction?
I think he would have poured another drink and winked at the absurdity of cultural references in the internet age
He would then start writing a simple story about how ironic it is that irony is a coping mechanism for complex modern life and what this means for the authenticity of the self. He would never finish this story.
He was requesting.
I was . . . offering? (Urp).
"Of what use is a philosopher who does not hurt anybody's feelings?" -Diogenes of Sinope
by Cynical Jason on Jan 11, 2012 8:41 PM CST up reply actions
Has to be Darko.
He always looks like his mother just died, and he’s likely to be the only player who could shoot and hit and turn that into a negative thing.
"Of what use is a philosopher who does not hurt anybody's feelings?" -Diogenes of Sinope
Reply fail.
Flarn flarn filth and flarn.
"Of what use is a philosopher who does not hurt anybody's feelings?" -Diogenes of Sinope
by Cynical Jason on Jan 11, 2012 7:05 PM CST up reply actions
A reverse stranger would be interesting
Kahn or Wes redeemed!!!!
I was thinking Luke for the real fit but Darko is a nice call. The bleeched blonde hair could really be viewed differently in retrospect.
My sportsfan life history: Learning to hold success at a safe distance
I experienced the first Twins game ever at a formative time….I was a small farm kid with no brothers who started 1st grade a year early in a class of 65 mostly bigger, more athletic, and more aggressive guys…Sports would be a mostly vicarious and frustrating experience…I grew up with a pocket transistor held to my ear listening to the Twins and to Ray Christensen’s vocal paintings of games I couldn’t see…I still remember exactly where I was for many of the key moments of the 65 pennant run…The close up view of high school basket ballers defined star worship…The Vikings and pro football stoked sports fan passion to a new level…The first two super bowl losses may have literally been the two worst days of my life…I began to question the wisdom of investing so much emotion in something I had no control over…I noticed that my college friends spent most of their time reminiscing about the one they lost…I began to notice that while sports may build character most of the characters that winning builds are assholes…For me football began to be little more than an abusive relationship…I quit watching before Fran Tarkington retired and haven’t missed it…Baseball I continued to love for its artistry, subtleties, and day to day statistical measurements…Basketball remained a latent passion I held at a distance like a bashful admirer of an unattainable beauty…The ‘87 Twins were not the best team in baseball that year but they were close enough to seize the opportunity when it occurred…That championship filled me up and let me carve out a little more protective space…’93 was icing on the cake…KG kidnapped me and tethered me to NBA basketball…Watching my own children play and deal with winning and loosing rounded my perspective even more…I now can be perfectly satisfied with an AL Central Division championship over Detroit and Chicago and a first round humiliation at the hands of the unfairly financed Yankees…I had no problem turning out the’11 Twins because of the way they played…Watching the emotions of a Girls High School basketball tournament can bring tears to my eyes…I can laugh at those who storm out of a game thread vowing never to return… I can wait on these Wolves, enjoying every Rubio, Love, Randolf, etc moment…I don;t know if anyone else can take anything from this…Don’t beat yourselves up over this stuff, there are plenty of thrills and satisfactions without tying every thing to success and championships.
"pokin' the animals at the Canis Hoopus zoo"
Minnesota sports iz a tough gig mayn
but seeing deze bitch azz Laker fans outs here in LA mayn dey used ta dis dey dont really care wun way or another. we LIVE dis shit mayn. When we win, and we gon win cuz Ricky i’m pretty sure iz a fuckin unicorn lmao, iss gon be de sweetest victory any sports fans ever felt.
Dat title to de book iz amazing. Yall alreddy kno how i feel about LeFuckFace James.
MAYN HOL UP!
Can't stand James...
…but part of me enjoys watching him play because regardless of the brain in his head, his particular collection of atoms is the most athletic grouping of proteins ever placed on planet earth. Douche, yes. Singular freak show, also yes.
Imagine if he fell into love with a Payton/Jordan post game
and out of love with his erratic jump shot.
"It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future." -- Yogi Berra
by Wile E Coyote on Jan 12, 2012 12:30 AM CST up reply actions
imagine if he fell in love with Bette Midler
Too hot to handle, too cold to hold
They're called the Ghostbusters and they're in control
I feel bad when LeBron sucks at the end of games
I almost feel embarrassed for him. Poor guy,
Jonny "Bag o' Chips" Flynn is gone, who's next?
Crystal Ball says Wes "The Ghost" Johnson
by CoffeeJanitor on Jan 12, 2012 1:54 AM CST up reply actions
I don't
It is part of who he is. It is the yin to his yang of self-involvement. In a sense, it is karmic payback. LeBron is essentially a guy who wants dearly to be liked and has a hard time getting the amount of ‘like’ he needs. He is unfulfilled. It is part of his epic story.
by ogishkemuncie on Jan 12, 2012 7:02 AM CST up reply actions
I agree.
Can’t stand him as a person (from what little I’ve experienced), but holy shnikies is he something to watch on the court. The physicality of Karl Malone, the maneuverability of Michael Jordan, and the fierceness of Shawn Kemp.
Frightening.
Except in the playoffs. Then he’s more like Nick Anderson.
"Of what use is a philosopher who does not hurt anybody's feelings?" -Diogenes of Sinope
by Cynical Jason on Jan 12, 2012 1:59 AM CST up reply actions
Douche isnt a strong enough word
which explains my crazy rant over on de Heat blog. De guy iz just de worst. Represents everything I hate about life. De fuckin guy has CHOSEN ONE tatted on hiz back. De fuck were you chosen for Bron Bron? Bricking game winners and fucking Pusha T’s reject hoes? Lmao. Dat shit wit de cake wuz crazy. I feel like Danny Green with dis dude: "Yall wanna crown his azz, den crown it! But he iz who we thought he wuz! A straight bitch azz mafucka. Smoke wun
MAYN HOL UP!
by MAYNHOLUP on Jan 12, 2012 10:37 AM CST reply actions 1 recs
He definitely let the other team off the hook (in the playoffs)
"It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future." -- Yogi Berra
by Wile E Coyote on Jan 12, 2012 12:49 PM CST up reply actions
I had to Google all of that.
Luckily when I typed in “Pusha T LeBron”, “Pusha T LeBron diss” auto-filled.
Thanks for keeping me (remotely) informed, Mayn.
Google is hip to the rap beef game
Try Drake, Common, and “worst beef ever”. Although, “worst verse ever” might get you more hits with Drake.
I disagree
Drake can rap, full stop. He’s got a nice flow, he’s got a lot of clever lines and rhyme schemes, and he works hard on his craft (including studying the greats). I think most of the hate he gets is for being what many consider “soft”, but a rapper who is open (and talented!) enough to sing and be brutally honest with himself on a rap track is anything but soft.
Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.
From what I've heard, the dude just talks.
I’m a big rap and hip-hop fan, and the fact that this guy is “the man” right now seems like a damn tragedy. And his appearances in NBA 2K12 commercials, slurpin’ the Heat, are REALLY annoying. You ain’t on the Heat Drake, so you are not part of the greatest team ever! Also, Larry Bird could throw it down pretty well before his back problems, punk!
But seriously, tell me some Drake “songs” where he raps well and I’ll either change my tune, or tell you why I think they all suck.
"Only God is an expert, Ernie."
HYFR and Look What You’ve Done off Take Care, Up All Night and Light Up off Thank Me Later, the closing tracks on his past two albums, etc.
Also, I read more hate for Drake’s persona here than I did anything else. His press and the 2k12 commercial aren’t his music. In addition to his rapping, his production is fantastic, his singing is strong, the guest spots on his albums are top-notch. He’s not the best rapper out there, but the hate of his music (forget his persona, think what you want about that) boggles my mind.
Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.
I hate him for terrible singing and complete unrelatability
He is clearly a decent entertainer but he is a little too plastic for me, not soft. There arent any decent relatable dilemmas or stories and his rhymes and flow arent THAT great to make me overlook the shallowness of the pool. At least he isnt writing songs about lighters with that little piano guy with the squeaky voice.
I can see where your problems with him come from.
I will say that relationship problems, family dilemmas, and self-doubt are a lot easier to relate to (no matter who you are) than most other topics in rap. As for his singing, I don’t find it terrible. He’s got a pretty smooth RnB crooning voice, and he comes up with some good melodies. At the very least, I think he’s a talented and honest guy, but from that point on I suppose it’s about personal preference.
My take on a lot of music is that its quality is dependent on what you want or expect out of it. Lady Gaga’s music is good if you judge it for what it is (catchy music that’s made to dance to), but it’s not good if you want a complete work of art. Sometimes people would rather eat a candy bar than filet mignon.
Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.
I didnt read any uv de above
But FYI yall: If yall like Drake, dont bother talkin ta me.
MAYN HOL UP!
I won't claim it as a personality trait,
but I don’t know what a “Drake” is. My hip hop knowledge is pretty shallow. Old school? PE. New school? Atmosphere. Greivis. Brother Ali. (Rhymesayers, I guess.)
"Of what use is a philosopher who does not hurt anybody's feelings?" -Diogenes of Sinope
by Cynical Jason on Jan 13, 2012 5:57 PM CST up reply actions
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