A Battle for Glorious Victory! (or perhaps Wolves vs Maccabi Haifa B.C.)

Tonight our beloved Timberwolves are going to be taking on their newest greatest rivals, and I've done some investigation.

The first thing you need to know about Maccabi Haifa B.C is this:




Maccabi Haifa B.C. is well known for their logo which features a star slicing a basketball in half. My in depth research and scouting has shown that this is, in fact, the primary offensive set employed by Maccabi Haifa B.C. While this may strike some of you as being outside the rules, I challenge you to find the clause in the rulebook that requires a team to not slice the ball in half before each offensive posession. We must win for Justice!

The next thing to know




(colour, if you're a canuk)

This matchup has a not-so-well-known wager on the line. To the victor goes The Color Green. We're not talking some off-shoot color like Mauve or Persimmon, we're talking about goddamn GREEN. Without Green how would we depict trees on our uniforms any longer? All tree illustrations will seem to be without life and give the impression of unending winter! Depressing! When Maccabi Haifa B.C. annexes the green from Kevin Love's eyes, he will be less attractive to women! The humanity!

As you can see from these well laid out arguments, victory and retension of the color green is paramount.

We must win for aesthetics!




While the pattern shown may be symmetrical across both the horizontal and vertical axis, the outtermost rectangles are of a slightly smaller size. You may already be gasping in fear, but it DOES GET WORSE: the squares are shaped in manner to subconsiously deter their opponent's inner ear from reaching equilibrium. Equilibrium!

We must win for Balance!




Maccabi Haifa B.C. may be the only team the Wolves face this year that has a similar roster hue! My insider Twitter sources are telling me that if the Wolves can beat this valliant foe, all conversation surrounding the Wolves roster hue abberation will be stricken from the internet!

We must win for our sanity!



And finally, as verified by, a member of Maccabi Haifa B.C. made this claim:

"Kozikaro said Rubio’s unique skill set—the way he moves the ball and creates opportunities for his teammates—is more conducive to NBA success than Euroleague ball. "

Any statement that indicates that Rubio is not the greatest at everything must be refuted!

We must win for the love of the Unicorn!

Onward to Glorious Victory!

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