FanPost

The Tao of Malcolm


I spent my Friday night desperately trying to watch moving pictures of the Timberwolves in their last preseason game. Despite my best efforts, and my League Pass subscription, all I could find was the radio broadcast. NBA Cares!

Regardless, I still took in the game while playing a hastily constructed version of the Wolves in NBA 2k11. There's nothing that confuses my brain more than trying to listen to the Wolves on the computer while also playing with them on the X-Box. I imagine it's what Bath Salts are like. There was one point where I was hearing the exploits of Malcolm Lee on the radio, while controlling him in the video game. Real life turnover coincided with video game turnover within a second of each other.

A worm hole opened in my living room and my brain started to bleed. There was so much confusion. I was in the Matrix. There is no spoon! There is no spoon!

I decided that it was time for me to put the controller down and focus on one thing at a time. So I booted up Twitter and decided to check on my man Malcolm. Really the only reason that I entered the Twittersphere was to keep track of Love and Rubio. This gradually led to inclusion of JJ, D Will, and Malcom Lee. Love posts funny pictures, Rubio posts video of him in shopping carts, JJ has a ridiculously hot wife, and Malcolm posts things like this:

Malcolm_lee_medium

via www.nike.com: A HD tv doesn't make the screen any more real. It just makes the lies and manipulation more crisp

Whoa, Malcolm, whoa. No need to get deep. We just want you to develop your skills and play lock down defense this year.

: We're mirrors of our surroundings...look at the sky and see the ocean in its eyes

Malcolm! Come on. That's too much for us. Follow Ricky's lead.

: Hakuna matata

Exactly. Still deep. Still very deep. And a wonderful phrase. We don't want a team full of deep introspection. We want a team that throws Alley-Oops and watches Disney movies.

Ricky-rubio-justin-bieber-backpack_medium

via larrybrownsports.com

One thing that the sky and humanity has in common is that they both tend to show their true colors in the dark: Your mind is a weapon of self destruction if you let it to be

: When you say ask someone "how are you" and they reply with "Im good", most of the time their lying

Yeesh. Minnesota winters can be a little dark and depressing, but this is too far. No more sitting in a darkened corner of your house with your phone in hand. If you aren't careful, you're going to turn into this guy:

Rashad-mccants_medium

via jocksandstilettojill.com

McCants: he came to me with open arms, like a hawk embracing his young,
and he fed me food out his mouth but I was starving for knowledge.

Malcolm, we need some levity here. Put down the poem you're writing to Kevin Love and tweet something that takes you off the suicide watch list:

: Trying to hold gas during a massage session is suicide <

Okay, that's better. Anything else?

: And I thought trying to hold gas during massages was hard. Holding wind during yoga is impossible lol

Yes! That's it. Let's focus more on flatulence and less on self-examination. Bodily functions are your sweet spot. That and playing defense. No more deeply personal tweets. Just farts and boogers and passing the ball to Pekovich. Agreed? Great. We'll see you on the bench.

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