The off-season is over. The NBA has once again tried to funnel as many super star players as possible to the greater Los Angeles area, the reigning champs have added a better and not quite as Dakotan version of Mike Miller to its roster, Mark Cuban has been at the helm of yet another successful season of Shark Tank, and Dwight Howard's inability to secure a corner booth at Spago is, as is always the case, totally Stan Van Gundy's fault.
But not everything is going according to the league's master plan. Up in the great white (no, not that white, Jerry) north, David Kahn has finally found enough time away from his side-job teaching Mass Communication and Public Affairs Strategy at St. Thomas University to devote his full attention to building a championship roster at 600 First Avenue.
Unlike in years past, the Grand POBO has had it up to the proverbial here assembling a professional basketball team with one half of his brain tied behind his back. This is not only disadvantageous, but incredibly painful, as well.
Not content with having a full 1/2 of the faces on basketball's European Mount Rushmore (The Flatterhorn) David Kahn got on the phone and acquired the matching set: AK-47 and Alexy Shved. Oh, that's too new age for you? How about some old school B-Roy and a gigantic Wisconsin Steiemer? Still not enough? What about tricking this thing out with the best beach volleyball partner this side of Misty May Treanor?
Upon hearing that Mr. Kahn had abandoned all shame in his game, NBA Commissioner David Stern set about to maintain the league's status quo. Howard and Nash to the Lakers, help to Sir Dunkalot Griffin, Iggy to Mile High, Harden to Dork Elvis.
Hoopus' very own surveillance drone/killer robot intercepted the following conversation from NBA League Offices to 600 First Avenue:
(David Stern, artist rendition)
DS: David, it's me, the Architect. I see that you've been trying to mess with the League's code.
(David Kahn, artist rendition)
DK: David, good to hear from you. It's so nice to actually start the season on time this year. That must be quite the accomplishment for you, the commissioner of the league.
DS: Enough with the b****hit, David. Let's cut to the chase. Having Ricky Rubio and Kevin Love is already more than that mosquito-infested hotdish hellscape deserves. When the weather is getting warm and the NFL is in hibernation and baseball is...well, baseball, I don't want the NBA Finals to be broadcast from the 40 degree June shores of Lake f***ing Nokomis. This is a West Coast, East Coast league. Biggie AND Tupac. Nobody gives two flying f***s about the Rhymesayers. What in the name of Prince are you doing?
DK: I just signed Andrei Kirelenko.
(Pregnant pause. Sound of glass smashing.)
DK: By the sound of that NCAA Scholarship Builder award being thrown through your office window I can tell that you just grasped the words that came out of my mouth: I. Just. F***ing. Signed. Andrei. Kirelenko.
(The phone is taken off of speaker on the New York end of the equation.)
DS: Listen to me you little s**t. I'm not handing that goddamn trophy over to some podunk team with bad blue uniforms, terrible lettering, a clownish ownership group, and who ALREADY HAD THEIR F'ING CHANCE WITH THE BEST POWER FORWARD TO EVER PLAY THE GODDAMN GAME!!!
DK: David, you sound upset.
DS: You haven't seen me upset. (Yelling at his secretary.) Dovie, get me Kupcheck on line 2!!!
(Talking in the background.)
DS: Mitch, it's David. The LeBron thing we talked about. It will have to wait. How about Dwight Howard and Steve Nash?
(Mumbled sounds on the other line.)
DS: No. You won't have to give up Pau Gasol. You'll just have to part with the big injured oaf.
(More mumbled sounds.)
DS: No, seriously. That's f***ing it. You get Dwight and Nash.
DS: No. No you won't f***ing think about it. You get Dwight and Nash.
DS: You better f***ing apologize, you giant pisshock.
DS: David, we have Steve Motherf***ing Nash.
DK: We have AK-47.
DS: We have Olympian, Kobe Bryant.
DK: We have Olympian, Kevin Love.
DS: We have the best Spaniard in the world.
DL: You have the second best Spaniard in the world.
DS: WE HAVE SUPERMAN!!!
DS: We have a Pek.
That was the end of the transmission. No additional intelligence from the interaction exists. I cannot confirm or deny that a fully operational Minnesota Timberwolves is the precise reason why David Stern will step away from his duties in early 2013.
Let's get down to business.
This Week's Opponents:
Probable Starting Lineup:
- Adam Silver got his start in league films, working on the production side of Like Mike and Year of the Yao.
- "Knuckle push-up" is actually an advanced MMA move that requires an abnormal amount of force to be placed on the part of the hand that is more generally known as the "part of the fist where punches happen." Kevin Love had to knuckle push-up either a wall that said nasty things about his mom, or a manager/friend who got a little too close to a former girl friend.
- Michael Beasley has already rented a Phoenix-area mansion complete with several hundred future public auction items.
Projected Record At The End Of The Week: 2-0
Projected Record At The End Of The Year: 82-0.
Let's do this.