Don't Worry Pops, Be Happy! Angry Letter Writing Khantest

As promised (or threatened) for the morning after the first TWolves setback, I'm urging everyone to let it all out. As I mentioned earlier, the inspiration for this post was a 1970's Prairie Home Morning Show contest that Garrison Keeler ran in honor of Fighting Bob LaFollette's birthday. The guidelines for that event directed listeners to wrail against as many annoyances as they could cram into a long since forgotten (by Pye) word limit. I've decided there should be no limits or guidelines here. Just bitch, bitch, bitch (creatively, hopefully.) So, here's what I had in mind.

News source game recaps written from box scores and nothing else, should be limited to small town newspaper stories about ninth grade games written by seventh graders. I'd rather read a science report about buzzard feces copied word for word from the Britannica. Now the fad is reporting game details in anti-chronological order. Why must I hold all these events in my mind and reconstruct the game on my own?

What's the point of spending billions of dollars to teach Americans to read and then using a gazillion safety, warning, and instructional symbols that no one can decipher without trial and error investigation. Has anyone studied how many people are injured every year because of safety devices? I've never met a table saw guard that I didn't want to take a hammer or a torch to. The warning on the bags of wood pellets I buy for my stove says "Not for human consumption." Are you kidding me? Let 'em eat a few, they'll figure it out.

There are no bags of people food sold in a section near the bags of dog food and cat food. Maybe there should be. It would be a lot healthier than the processed convenience foods that predominate the American diet. Plus it would save money for consumers who could then live on less, leaving more for the 1% which is what America really needs%. If middle income includes those making from $250,000 to $500,000 a year where I live, I say f**k the middle class. Strap 'em to the legs of the 1% and give them all free passage on a replica Titanic cruise around and through the now nearly ice free Artic, in January.

Does anyone other than a statistician think about inflation in annual terms? 2.769% per annum? I know what I paid for beer when I was 18, and what I made a month when I was first out of college. I know what my first car cost me and what per mile compensation was twenty years ago. Bend over America. What are we building here?

Getting rid of rules and regulations for business and industry will straighten things out. Yeh, like 90% of those regs aren't designed to protect them from their own greed and stupidity. Might as well get rid of refs in the NBA. Why don't they just bitch about phone books? I have to haul out a two foot stack every couple years and the poor bastards have to pay to be in every one of them.

How come every shopping cart has to have one of those, flips out and won't stay back, and is always in your way child seats in them? And can I please take a baseball bat to the vehicles of people who can't be bothered to place them in the return racks. Are handicapped parking places really necessary at Menards when the door you enter is a half a mile from the door you use to exit? Or at Home Depot where you can't even find the entrance or the exit?

How come garbage trucks can stop on the wrong side of the highway in the early morning darkness and five year olds have to cross traffic lanes to board the school bus? If anything makes me want to get out of my vehicle and punch someone, it's those lazy bastards that gotta get their mail from the box without getting out of the car. Sure just park on the wrong side of the road and then backup across two lanes so you can maneuver into your driveway. We'll get you a Fatass Driving Permit.

At least it's easy to see that extended cab, four wheel drive beauty you need for your one hundred mile daily commute. G-d knows sitting in a small car might cause you to cramp up when you mount that 48 inch rider to mow a lawn that could feed a hundred cow dairy herd, and surrounds a four car garage McMansion that could house one as well. At least you've got room for yard signs for every race from county commissioner to president. Yep! I'm voting for who you're for! Just think of the shit we could buy if we didn't have to pay taxes! Like a goose, I'll just put my nose behind and a little to the right of your ass and scream, "I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy."

I feel much better now.

Khantest prizes are pending and probably trending in the New York city 2012 marathon direction.

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