David Kahn: Hoarder



Despite my subscription to League Pass, I was unable to access the Wolves-Raptors game last night for reasons that I still don't understand. I channeled my anger through rapid button pushing on my remote control, desperately seeking something to take my mind off of turnovers and DeRozans.

As one is prone to do while channel flipping, I settled in on one of the most fascinating, yet disturbing, shows on television: Hoarders. I've exited Hoarders episodes feeling overwhelmingly sad for humanity, but somehow pleased with myself and my loose, yet not "rat-infestation" house cleaning standards. Yes, I do have a pizza box that's been sitting on my kitchen counter for four days. But I can throw it away any time. Seriously. Provided that I can get past my precious newspapers.

Last night, Hoarders was focused on an arrogant, aloof, weasel-like gentleman named David Kahn. David refused to admit that he had a problem. He was steadfast in his belief that he could create a Piston Bad Boy's backcourt with his collection of point guards. All he needed to do was collect more. Maybe some from Portland. Or abroad. He just needed a few more to make everything balance in his life.

It was obvious to me that David was quickly losing control. As the Hoarders crew entered his house, point guards scurried into corners, shying away from the light. David ran past the crew, trying to gather all of his coveted prizes together once again. "Jonny," David cried out, "Come back here! It's okay. Who's my future all-star? Who is it? It's okay if you're playing in Australia this season. You're on your way back. Flynn-mania is coming."

David remained defiant throughout the episode. "Of course we needed to fill the last roster spot with Will Conroy! How stupid are you! He's friends with Roy. He massages his knees every night. You're not an NBA GM so you don't know everything that I know."

It was obvious that David didn't see the impact that his actions were having on his friends and family. When asked whether he had any regrets, David replied, "Only that I didn't get the number 1 pick last year. Kyrie Irving is such a delicious specimen of point guard goodness. Ohhhhhh! Oh, Kyrie. I need you so bad. Kyrie!!!! Oh, excuse me, I didn't realize... It's just the cut of the pant that makes it look like..."

When asked what he would have done differently, David said, "I would have killed the little sick kid from Cleveland that the NBA conspired with to get the number 1 selection. I know, that sounds bad. That little kid is probably already dead, but when you get between me and my wonderful points, you better be ready for the wrath of...."



David paused, looking at the interviewers with expectation on his face. He gathered his collection around him, JJ, Luke, Alexey, Will, Ricky, Jonny, and Bassy, giving each a quick squeeze and kiss on the top of their head.

"The wrath of Kahn you dummies. Now get out of my house. You're never getting my point guards! Never!"

With that, the episode wrapped. Once again, I was feeling sorry for Hoarder. He couldn't help himself. Yes, he was a huge ass, but he has to live with mental issues that none of us could possibly imagine. To know that you're the smartest GM in the room, despite one of the worst records over your tenure, must be a horrible burden to deal with.

Let's all take pity upon David. He knows not what he does.

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