Associated Press: Researchers at the University of Athens have announced that they’ve recently uncovered a new epic poem by Homer. Though the whole text has yet to be released, scholars have been good enough to tease loyal fans of the great Homer with snippets. Printed below is the epic opening to what translators are calling “The Steamer.”

BOOK I

Sing, O goddess, tell me, O muse, the anger and story of Stiemsma son of Wisconsin, who brought many ills upon the Magic. For many a mediocre player did he send scurrying down to Hades, and many a Reddick did he give o’er to Ridnours and Shveds, for so was it written and told upon the day these enemies did fall on a Minnesotan battlefield.

O November, with your rosy fingered dawn, Stiemsma, son of Wisconsin, did stride out upon the fray, the battle already in its fury, whereupon he found his foe, Big Baby, son of Dwight Howard.

“Baby, son of Dwight Howard,” he cried, “let me not find you tarrying within my paint.”

The Baby feared him and he could not speak, but furious Stiemsma, he laughed and cried out to the gods “all other magicians, behold my furious fury” and he slew Big Baby, son of Dwight Howard, with one blow from his post up move, and Big Baby fell.

“Oh Adelman, oh Kahn, hear me in my rage” furious Stiemsma bellowed to the rosy fingered November dawn, and Adelman and Kahn heard, and answered with a clap of thunder and all the magicians and all of the wolves save for skull-covered Pekovic, his brother in anger, his brother in blood, fell silent, struck dumb with fear...

Scholars are rushing to finish the translation but a few characters and their stories have been released ahead of publishing. They are:

Nikola Pekovic: Starting out as a minor character, he’s only seen during the thickest of battles. However, during Homer’s epic book III, which chronicles the love warriors have for each other, the reader is told the story of his blood lust... a runny nose after each kill. Later, in book III, Pekovic saves Stiemsma from an attacking guard by throwing his body in the way, blocking the shot, and regaining the possession.

Though Pekovic is not the main character of “The Steamer,” scholars familiar with the text are convinced his passages will be a favorite of readers for years to come.

Luke Ridnour: Also begins as a minor character, he at first seems to show none of the attributes normally found in Homerian heros. He lacks a blood lust, he shies from hand-to-hand combat, and is rarely at his physical peak. However, in books III and IV, he displays his cunning and skill as a marksman. These skills are displayed in the aforementioned book III when he saves Stiemsma from a murderous hoard during the third quarter of his feats of strength.

Derrick Williams: A rather disappointing character in previous works by Homer, fans of the poems were initially curious as to why the great poet would include him in his final work. But the Great Caged Lion of the Lakes appears to have finally rewarded his master with a character arc that is heavy on action/kills, and light on tragedy. Trust the scholars, the Lion roars, there’s plenty of blood to be found.

Ricky Rubio & Kevin Love: The sirens, the chorus. These two are always in the back of the characters’ minds, and the readers’ as well. Constantly mentioned and alluded to, we the reader wonder when these shining temptresses will finally appear. However, in this poem, during this trip through the great poet’s work, they were not missed. Friday? Perhaps, but not tonight.