Better keep running Grizzlies. The Wolves are right behind you.
Minnesota Timberwolves (62-0) vs. Memphis Grizzlies (35-25) at Target Center
If you're anything like me, you have your DVR set to record Animal Planet 23 1/2 hours a day (the rest is for Rachel Ray's 30 Minutes or Less). One lesson you learn on Animal Planet is that playing dead is an effective strategy. Lull your nemesis into a false sense of security, and then once his guard is down, strike.
I mean, did you actually see Ricky Rubio tear his ACL or are you just going off of what some "doctor" told you? How hard would it really be to fake a concussion? How could Nikola Pekovic have a bone spur in his ankle when his ankles are both made of titanium?
Once the Wolves make it to the playoffs, and the other 15 teams are worn down from playing a 66-game season, that's when they'll strike. Thanks for playing along, NBA. We couldn't have done it without you.
For tonight's tilt against the Vancouver Grizzlies, let's break down the matchups:
No, Mark. You put the basketball through the net. Not your head.
Nikola Pekovic vs. Mark Gasol
People have been misreading Nikola Pekovic's diagnosis for a while. He doesn't have bone spurs in his ankle. He actually has the bones of two Spurs in his ankle. He stole them during their last game in San Antonio and fused them with his own ankle bones to increase his strength.
Meanwhile, Mark Gasol had to borrow his ankles from Pau. Seriously. If you ever watch a Grizzlies-Lakers game, you'll never see them both in the game at the same time. Mark tried to borrow some ankles from Zach Randolph once, but that was just awkward for everyone involved.
Winner: Nikola Pekovic
A picture of what I assume Maurice Speights looks like.
Derrick Williams vs. Maurice Speights
Poor David Kahn. Even when he takes the consensus #2 pick, he can't win.
Or can he?
Kahn already knows that Kevin Love and Wesley Johnson have their respective starting spots locked down. He decided to draft a player who only had bench-level talent so that there would be no playing-time conflicts. When Love comes back, no one will have to wonder whether or not Williams should go back to the bench.
Of course he should. People say you shouldn't draft for fit, but in this case, Kahnzie did a fantastic job of drafting for the bench.
Winner: Derrick Williams
I love that the smock says, "Hairstylist", about 20 times. Just in case that man with the scissors forgets who he is and why he's standing over some dude in a chair.
Wesley Johnson vs. Randy Gay
(not that there's anything wrong with that)
As I pointed out early, the purpose of the "Possum" strategy is to lull teams into a false sense of security by faking injuries and presenting an image of an untalented basketball.
But Wesley Johnson hasn't missed a game yet this season. Why hasn't he faked an injury or missed any games?
The great thing about Wesley is that he already portrays the perfect picture of untalented basketball. Faking an injury would be overkill for him. Yet another case of perfect drafting by David Kahn to fit his system.
Winner: Wesley Johnson
I can't believe Joan Allen just threw away all of Noah's letters. He wrote her every day for a year. It was never over. It still isn't over.
Martell Webster vs. Joan Allen
Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day, where Bill Murray has to live February 2nd over and over again? Martell Webster has a similar affliction, except he has to relieve Opposite's Day over and over again.
For instance, in the game against Denver where the Wolves were down 3, and Martell stole the inbounds pass, he heard, "shoot the three!" and automatically did the opposite by dunking the ball. When someone called Martell the best perimeter defender on the team, it meant he had to let every guy he guarded score on him seemingly at will. When his mom told him not to put french fries on his head, he grew out his hair in a pattern that resembled the fried food.
The Wolves' coaching staff has tried put this to good use. Instead of saying, "run the offense and don't turn the ball over," they are trying to say things like, "run into the corner and throw the ball into the stands", or, "go 1-on-1 against 4 guys and put up a wild shot."
Unfortunately, J.J. Barea always overhears them.
Winner: Martell Webster
Mike Connelly at a recent charity event, along with Winona, J.R., Ryder, Vince Carter and LeBron "The King of Queens" James
J.J. Barea vs. Mike Connelly
I always felt bad for Mike Connelly. I mean, he fell in love with that schizophrenic guy who talked to imaginary Ed Harris about Nazis and whether Paul Bettany plays the same guy in every movie. That must have been rough. I don't think I could've done it.
Sadly, though, he plays for the wrong team, so I have to root against him tonight.
J.J. Barea is poised to have another great performance and his 8th consecutive triple double (the categories are defensive flops, offensive flops and rebounding flops).
In a way, its ironic. Mike Connelly's husband talks to imaginary people, and J.J. Barea falls down as if he were pushed by imaginary people.
Winner: J.J. Barea
Rick Adelman really deserves Coach of the Year this season.