1. On draft day, the Wolves trade Derrick Williams and Wes Johnson to Golden State for their number seven pick, Golden State wishing to “get more athletic better players”. When informed of the trade, Golden State advisor Jerry West’s head spontaneously explodes while playing host at his West Virginia steakhouse, showering diners with a fine red mist of neurotic excellence.
2. Bradley Beal, the consensus number one shooting guard in the 2012 draft, is available at number seven after he is measured without shoes at 6’2 and 7/8, rather than the 6’3 and ¼ he was listed in college.
3. With the 7th pick in the 2012 NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select Perry Jones, 6’11 forward from Baylor University. “We love Jones’ athleticism and length” said Wolves POBO David Kahn. “We can teach him everything else he needs to know. We believe he has the upside of a young Anthony Randolph….oh, never mind."
4. Bradley Beal, the consensus number one off guard in the 2012 draft, is still available at number 18 after rumors spread like wildfire that he wears lifts in his shoes and may be no taller than Tom Cruise, Paul Simon, Rod Stewart or Prince.
5. The Minnesota Timberwolves trade the 18th pick in the 2012 draft to the Golden State Warriors for picks number 30 and 35. “Anytime you can trade a mid-first round pick for a low first rounder and a high second rounder, you do it”, explained Wolves POBO David Kahn. “I added up the points on the Draft Value Chart and it isn’t even close”.
When told he was using the NFL Draft Value Chart, Kahn screamed: “I know what I’m doing, damn it”, but wept quietly, on the inside.
6. As the Warriors regain some value and dignity with the second trade, Jerry West’s head slowly re-gathers itself from the floor of his restaurant as beads of liquid metal, reforming perfectly on top of Jerry West’s torso.
Jerry West’s mechanical perfection as a player, it turned out, was explained by West being a cyborg from the future sent to establish basketball’s popularity in Southern California and secretly prepare for the Rise of the Machines.
7. Jeffrey Taylor, Vanderbilt's 6’7, 225 pound lockdown defender and 42% 3 point shooter, is still available at the 30th pick. “If I wanted boring competence, I’d be GM of the Spurs”, said a GM of a team other than the Spurs.
8. With the 30th pick in the 2012 NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select Festus Ezeli, 6’11 center from Vanderbilt University. “Anytime you have the opportunity to get a guy named Festus, you grab him”, said Timberwolves POBO David Kahn. “At UCLA, I used to watch The Adams Family at 4:20 every afternoon. Well, it came on at 4:30, but we gathered at 4:20, if you know what I mean. Do you think he can turn on lights bulbs by sticking them in his mouth?”
Kahn continued: “Also, NBADraft.net has Ezeli at the 30th pick, just like they had Wes Johnson at Number 4 in 2010.”
9. John Jenkins, the Vanderbilt shooting guard often compared to J.J. Reddick, is still available at the 35th pick.
10. The Minnesota Timberwolves trade the 35th pick and the 58th pick in the 2012 NBA draft to the Los Angeles Lakers for the 60th pick and cash.
An anonymous Wolves front-office executive explained the rationale: “We may need the cash to upgrade on coaching, just like we did with Rambis in 2011. Sure, Adelman had a good year, but the critical building blocks of the dynasty we are building here are Ricky Rubio and [David Kahn]. So if [David Kahn] want(s) to keep a reserve for a coaching change, that’s what [David Kahn]’m is going to do.”
11. With the final pick of the 2012 NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select Tomas Satoransky of the Czech Republic.