Dear Mr. Derrick Williams,
Derrick, I hope I can call you that, let me start this letter by saying, thank you. Thank you for your efforts in the 2011-2012 National Basketball Association season where you played a pivotal role for the Minnesota Timberwolves. Although your team, err, our team only won 26 games, your alleyoopery was quite spectacular. And, I for one, am grateful for your contribution.
*Continue letter after the jump*
There were times you displayed that innate prowess many of us expected as the second overall pick. I recall one particular late February evening, that you and Mr. Beasley put on quite a show for the Los Angeles Clippers. Your stat line was superb; 27 Pts, 9-10 FGs, 4-4 3Ps, 5 Rebs, +/- 26! I hadn’t used my DVR pause and rewind buttons that much since I recorded Wild Things a few years earlier; oh Denise Richards, why must you haunt my mind?Okay now that we are friendly, we’ll just call it ‘friends’, I have a few objective points that I would like to share with you. I know you are probably thinking, "wait this sounds like a bad news sandwich", and it is, but instead of tuning out I would rather you take a moment to open your mind so that I can help you get to the next level. Listen, that is what friends do. We look out for each other.
Here are a few things you are going to want to write down:
- Accept who you are. You are Derrick Williams, an exceptional collegiate athlete, a better than average NBA professional, and future Invisalign braces spokesperson. Once you are comfortable in your own skin then you can begin to settle in to the role you play for our team. Which for right now, is a role player. Albeit, an important one.
- Today you’re a 4, tomorrow a 3, and then a 4 again when Love goes to L.A. in 3 years. I know you probably frustrated not to have a definitive position, so it’s time to start thinking strategically about our future together. Let’s be honest, AK-47 and Bud-ginger (you heard it here first) are better suited for the 3. They play great team defense and can disrupt more athletic wings. Also, they are far more efficient with the ball, and move better without it. We all know that your preference would be the 3, but my man, your body and mind isn’t built like one. I’d suggest you put on another 10 lbs. of #buttmeat and hunker down in the mid-post. Those guys down there don’t want to deal with hyper athletic players like yourself. Then go work with Jackie Sikma to develop some legit post moves.
- Stop smiling all the damn time, this sh!t isn’t funny. Derrick, listen to me, God made you a beast for a reason. That reason is to take some of the pressure off of Kevin by getting the other team in trouble. You are the NBA’s version of an NHL goon. We want you to play nasty; get suspended for a game or two, every other week. Start some sh!t with the other teams’ key players. Get in their heads. Take the braces out and bite peoples earlobes. We already have too many Euros on our team flopping all over the damn place, like freakin’ fish out of water, we need some REAL men. You get what I am saying? (On a side note, will you please spit on Kobe when you see him next? Thank you.)
- Get fouled like a man. Last year you embodied what ended up becoming one of the least fluid, and most descriptive monikers of all time; "Guy who gets bailed out by getting fouled while taking low percentage shots he probably wouldn’t have made and then makes one free throw, normally the second of the two." I suppose that is better than Wes Johnson’s; "Guy who should be coming off of the bench, in the D-league, but instead starts for the Timberwolves." Anyway, my point is that it is not all bad, unless you continue to miss the easiest shot in the game. Come on man, it’s a freakin’ ‘free’throw. Stop trying to drive from the three point line because you often run out of gas and bull rush your defender, it just gets ugly. Start at the elbow man. It is so much less drama that way.
- ISOs are for idiots, and superstars. At this point, I want you to assume you are neither, because you aren’t. Unless you are inside the key, pass the ball. I know you were hot stuff making all those threes at Arizona and all, but that is because you were playing with kids. We need you to focus on playing efficient basketball. Win the PER game, don’t worry about trying to score. This is going to be your biggest challenge because you thought you got drafted to be Michael Beasley’s second coming, with his scoring and his entitlement issues and his sweet boy band karaoke skills. You can ask Mr. Beasley how relevant his 58 point street ball games are to his NBA career. Nothing like scoring 25 Pts in a game with a +/- of -12. Which leads us to…
- Play defense like a man. The quickest way that you will become relevant in this league is learning how to play quality defense. Spitting on Kobe would be a close second though. It all comes down to technique and anticipation. You have to think about what the other team is trying to execute in that possession and then adjust to thwart it. As an example, here is a good rule of thumb, when you’re winning the game and your opponents have one final shot when the inbound pass goes to a guy who doesn’t shoot three pointers, don’t collapse. The reason is, believe it or not, the guy doesn’t shoot three pointers. See, this isn’t a trick question. The truth is, if you play good defense and you spit on Kobe, you are going to be an All-Star. It is that easy.
- Don’t listen to trade rumors. We were just as surprised to hear your name come up in several trade possibilities. Even more so that Cleveland was considering trading Varejao for you and Luke. I mean that would have would have been awesome. The fact is, worrying serves no purpose. In the end, not matter how good you are, eventually everyone gets traded. The only thing you can hope for is that it isn’t to Pheonix, because Wes and Michael play there. And finally…
- Listen to Rick. Because Derrick, that is what good pups do.
So I’ve got one final question for you. Who is going to lead the bench in PER this season? D-Will. Because I believe in you. Friend.
P.S. > If you are still uncertain about why you should spit on Kobe, consider this. He basically ruined our season by Mambaing Rubio’s leg and then as if he doesn’t care, he freakin’ pokes Kevin in the eye during the Olympics. I mean they were even teammates. After the last time he got in trouble for poking around, I cannot wait to see Kevin’s ring.
Most Timberwolves Fans