FanPost

76ers Game Preview: Now with analysis! But no floating torsos : ( [correct day edition]



The following is a game preview filled with facts and figures I'm going to go ahead and assume are correct. After all once I post them they will be on the internet, thus rendering them unquestionably true.

A Brief History of Our Opponent:

The 76ers were founded in 1976 and named, appropriately, after the team's 76 original founding members. It soon became evident that having 76 people in charge of a basketball team was entirely too many and the franchise struggled in its inaugural season. Early the next year 70 of the team owners died in a horrible blimp crash. After the accident the management was streamlined and the team picked up the more euphonic nickname 'sixers.' In 1977 the team was inspired by the tragedy and made it all the way to the NBA championship, led by their young superstar Sir Charles Barkley, who had recently been knighted by Queen Elizabeth II for his invention of spray butter. Later the team had Allen Iverson. He liked to shoot a lot and also to wear baggy clothes which led to an NBA dress code which in turn led to weird fake glasses. Apparently the NBA is ok with odd fishing tackle shirts but not bandannas. Rosie the Riveter was not amused.

ANALYSIS! team section

Wolves

Ricky has been rounding back into form and led the team in scoring against theGrizzlies. That is something to be proud of, but leading this team in scoring is kind of like being the tallest person currently being eaten alive by ants. Sure you're tallest, but you're also undergoing an experience so painful you probably just wish you were dead. That is where I imagine Ricky is right about now. We don't have a shooting guard. He's not injured, he's not suspended we just don't have one on the roster. We have pgs and sfs we were planning to fill in the slot with, but no actual shooting guard. There are only 5 positions in basketball. I don't think having at least one of each is too much to ask.

76ers

Have nice young point guard Jrue Holiday who was born Jrue Christmas but decided to change it after being sued by the ACLU. He is having a great season and many people wanted to see him get named to the all star team, but not me because I am a bitter jerk who enjoys seeing other people fail to achieve their dreams. The team used to have Iguodala, but now has Andrew Bynum instead. Bynum has missed the entire season so far with knee issues and once set back his recovery process by bowling. He is kind of a dips%!t. The 76ers have other players and probably a coach but I don't care about any of them.

ANALYSIS! Match-up section

On paper we should win this. The Wolves are scoring the 20th most points per game and allowing a solidly mediocre 15th most points. The 76ers are scoring a terrible 29th most ppg and allowing the 6th most points. Also the 76ers are locked in a crap spiral with theOrlando Magic to see who can shoot the fewest free throws in LEAGUE HISTORY. So we've got that going for us. If we can keep getting to the line and sustain our no foul defense we should have a big advantage. However, while I haven't looked into it, they probably have at least one shooting guard which will give them an advantage, so it might balance out. Sadly the game will probably be lost by the terrible defense and ref yelling ofKevin Love, who everyone agrees is the worst professional B-ball player to ever finish a season in the top five of both points scored and rebounds grabbed. He also believes you should follow your dreams which makes him pretty much the worlds largest bag of tools. This is a game the Wolves could win but probably won't. Also I'm going to go ahead and guess Christ Johnson won't get much playing time. Adelman must be a Buddhist.

BOTTOM LINE

Good players injured

76ers: 1

Wolves: all of them

winner: 76ers

EVEN LOWER LINE

Luke Ridnour is our season's minutes leader [season shoots self in face]

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