The Human Adelpede: A T-Wolves @ Blazers Report Card

Jaime Valdez-USA TODAY Sports

I had all sorts of clever ideas about how I was going to do this report card.

It was going to involve Roger Ebert’s 4 star system. I was going to associate a 4 star performance (presumably Love’s), with a 4 star movie (maybe something like Pulp Fiction), maybe even showcase a clip or quote from said movie next to the 4 star rating. Throw in a little explanation about Ebert’s rating philosophy (movies should be judged against like-minded films: i.e. comedies against comedies, horrors against horrors, etc.), and we’d be ready to go.

My best Bill Simmons impression, minus the banana sandwich narratives. The best of both worlds.

Unfortunately, horrible, horrible things happened against the Blazers tonight, and I decided that I would just do a straight up report card. Get it out as fast as possible, then forget about the game and head to bed.

But now, sitting here, I realize that there still might be some potential for this idea. Ebert’s condescending and biting rhetoric, when applied to the Wolves performances this evening, may prove to be cathartic.

Rick Adelman – 0 Stars

The Human Centipede


Ebert’s Review:

Relevant Ebert Quote:

"It's not death itself that's so bad. It's what you might have to go through to get there. No horror film I've seen inflicts more terrible things on its victims than "Rick Adelman." You would have to be very brave to choose this ordeal over simply being murdered. Maybe you'd need to also be insane."

The lineups tonight were frustrating, as we have come to expect. JJ provided a really solid shift in the first half, and then was gifted Rubio’s minutes in the 2nd. His 2nd shift proved disastrous.

Rubio saw no playing time in the 4th quarter, Adelman favoring J.J. and Shabazz (how?) over the Unicorn. Time and time again I am astounded at the decision to bench Rubio when only worse options exist.

I understand Adelman is hamstrung by injuries and Flip’s unbalanced roster, but benching Rubio for J.J. is a consistent decision he makes, and it is always a poor one.

J.J. Barea – 0 Stars

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo


Ebert’s Review:

Relevant Ebert Quote:

"‘J.J. Barea’ is aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience."

J.J. had a good shift in the first half, going 5-8 for 15 points. JJ’s second half line? 2-8, 6 points, 1 assist, 2 TOs and 5 personal fouls. It looked even worse than it sounds. My prior distaste for his style of play as well as Adelman’s desire to give him Rubio’s minutes probably hurt his grade.

Shabazz Muhammad – 1 Star

Year One


Ebert’s Review:

Relevant Ebert Quote:

"…"Year One" is a dreary experience, and all the ending accomplishes is to bring it to a close."

Shabazz gets a star for his hustle and surprising nose for offensive boards (5 on the night!). He saw 22 minutes tonight. I really wanted to give him 2 stars, but 1-8 from the field with few other contributions doesn’t cut it.

Dante Cunningham // Corey Brewer – 1.5 Stars

Step Brothers


Ebert’s Review:

Relevant Ebert Quote:

"Sometimes I think I am living in a nightmare."

Dante and Corey both had inefficient nights. Corey scored 6 points on 11 shots, Dante had 12 on 14. Dante had a block, Brew brew’d a couple steals, but I can’t remember much else of significance.

Gorgui Dieng // Prince Luc // Hummel – 2 Stars

New in Town (I’m reaching here)


Roger Ebert’s Review:

Relevant Ebert Quote:

"It's a fair example of its type, not good, but competent."

Gorgui gets 2 stars for only fouling once in 13 minutes tonight!! He also collected 6 rebounds, sank 3-4 FTs and added 2 assists. Way to go Gorgui. Prince Luc played solid D, but didn’t add much on the offensive end. Hummel played with hustle and grabbed some boards (8), but didn’t add much else.

Chase Budinger –3 Stars

Air Bud (Ebert gave Air Bud 3 stars???)


Ebert’s Review:

Relevant Ebert Quote:

"Not only could Buddy play basketball, but I actually cared how the game turned out."

Chase seems to still be bumping up against his minutes limit, playing 24 tonight without seeing the court in the 4th quarter. He scored 8 points and went 2-3 from behind the arc, improving his 3P% on the season to 39.1.

Ricky Rubio – 2.5 Stars

Girl, Interrupted


Ebert’s Review:

Relevant Ebert Quote:

"Their characters never really get a plot to engage them, and are subjected to a silly ending, but moment to moment, they are intriguing and watchable."

Ricky played a little panicky in the 2nd half, and had only scored 5 points on 6 shots, but he had 11 assists in only 22 minutes. I have already lamented the fact that he was benched in favor of JJ and Shabazz in the 4th quarter.

Kevin Love – 3.5 Stars

Celeste and Jesse Forever




Ebert’s Review:

Relevant Ebert Quote: This was an excuse to use that picture of Love and Rubio.

Unfortunately in a losing effort, Kevin Love posted another 30-10 game in 35 minutes of play. It may not be the 40 point explosion we saw a few nights ago or the triple double we saw the prior evening, but he was still impressive tonight. He’s an incredible player.

Hope you enjoyed the report card! Appreciate the opportunity. This probably has lots of typos. I am tired.

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