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Tim's Preview: Game 1, Sacramento Kings

At 7 PM CST, the Minnesota Timberwolves will begin their quest for the 2010 NBA Championship with their home opener against the Sacramento Queens. Tyreke "I Drive Too Fast and I Don't Mean on the Court" Evans is suspended for the game, while Sammy Dalembert, Martell Webster and Jonny Flynn are out with injuries.

Most game previews rely on stats (advanced and otherwise), scouting reports and other "insider information" to make predictions. Boring. How about some real observations? This is my own game preview. I think you'll find that its as accurate as anything Ric Bucher, Britt Robson or Jerry Zgoda could come up with.

Let's break down the matchups:

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Cousins sitting alone, depressed because he knows he will never live up to the Legend of Darko Milicic.

DeMarcus "Boobie" Cousins vs. Darko Milicic


Darko was drafted 2nd overall before Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh. Cousins was drafted 5th overall after Evan Turner. Darko once told a Serbian ref that he would "f%#k his mother and sister". Cousins once told a therapist that his greatest nightmares consisted of snakes, being buried alive and Serbians.

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Winner: Darko


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Carl "Dirk Still Has My Tooth" Landry vs. Kevin Love


Kevin Love was on Team USA. Kevin Love has a guest column in GQ Magazine. Kevin Love dates a really hot cheerleader.

Carl Landry was born in Wisconsin and his most notable achievement is losing 3 teeth in Dirk Nowitzki's arm.

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Why yes, that is Steve Urkel...

Winner: Kevin Love

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This was taken on the flight to Minnesota, as Omri was deciding whether jumping out of the plane would be less painful than having to guard Michael Beasley.

Omri "I Lost to Rondo in a Shooting Contest" Casspi vs. Michael Beasley


Michael Beasley was the 2nd best player on the 5th seeded Heat. Omri Casspi was the 5th best player on the 2nd to last Western Conference Kings. Michael Beasley also has an affinity for Skittles, which as everyone knows, are the candy of winners.

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Winner: Michael Beasley

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This isn't Francisco Garcia the Kings player. This is a troubadour named Francisco Garcia. I figure that they'll both have the same amount of impact on tonight's game, so I went with the singer instead.

Francisco "Exercise Ball" Garcia vs. Wayne Ellington


"Makin It' Wayne" is an NCAA champion and one of the best pure shooters in the NBA. Francisco Garcia can't lift weights without getting hurt. I'll put my money on Mr. North Carolina and call it a day.

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Well done, Mr. Ellington. Wait, we're still talking about basketball?

Winner: Wayne Ellington

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Not much has changed since San Antonio.

Beno "Did I Really Get Signed for the MLE?" Udrih vs. Luke Ridnour


Luke Ridnour played at Oregon, which is pretty close to Sacramento. Then he played for the Seattle SuperSonics, which is still kind of close to Sacramento, but less so. Then he played for Milwaukee and now Minnesota. You see the pattern? Luke has taken steps throughout his career to move farther and farther away from Sacramento. Coincidence? Or does Luke know that Sacramento is a cesspool of losing basketball?

Meanwhile, Beno Udrih is more overpaid than Dick Fuld.

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Admit it, if there weren't a caption under this photo, you would've thought this was a picture of Luke Ridnour shaking hands with Ellen Page, right?

Winner: Luke Ridnour

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Paul "I Should Have Stayed at Pepperdine" Westphal vs. Kurt Rambis

Kurt Rambis played for Paul Westphal with the 1993 Phoenix Suns. That team went to the Finals and lost only because of Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls. Does anyone doubt that the reason for their winning was Rambis?

Rambis knows all of Westphal's plays anyway. It's not even a contest.

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Winner: Kurt Rambis

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The trainer gives medical attention to the Kings' bench.

The Kings' Bench vs. the Timberwolves' Bench

The Kings have Donte Greene, who copied off of Jonny Flynn and Wes Johnson's notes at Syracuse; the guy who played Dr. Patrick Drake on General Hospital; and Hassan "What is a Post Move?" Whiteside.

The Wolves have Nikola Pekovic, Sebastian Telfair and Corey Brewer. Is there even a question on this one?

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And, it's a sweep. Wolves win. 1 down, 81 to go until the playoffs.