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I, Darko, Cannot Hit The Broad Side Of A Fish

by Darko Milicic*

People of Earth! I have a confession. I am sure that you have not noticed - you are Swedes, after all; you would not notice if I played with no pants. Which I am thinking of doing, because though I am sure it has escaped you, I, Darko, cannot hit the broad side of a fish.

Or is it the broad side of something else? A house? David Kahn's ego? Yes? No? I am ignorant of your English expressions. I am also ignorant of where the basket is. I have checked the numbers. Out of all the players in the NBA who have taken more than 50 shots this year, I have made the fewest percentage.

I am as shocked as you! I also thought that it would be Sebastian Telfair!

Coach Kurt Rambis says that I just need confidence. I wish that he would not insult me. Do you notice that everyone speaks of me as if I am an abused dog? I do not need your pity. I need a map to the rim. And also for someone to teach me a post move that is not the three-dribble, left-handed jump hook.

At least my defense has been good. I have blocked many shots. I am told that I am in the top ten in the league in blocking the shots! This is good, yes? I will bet that Al Jefferson is not in the top ten in the league.  Except maybe in lazy defensive rotations. Ha! High five, Swedes? No? Yes?

But no matter how good I am on defense, I must be honest. I have not been "manna from heaven," like David Kahn says. More like Shawn Bradley from Utah, am I correct? Hello? Boy, you Swedes sure do not know how to laugh.

I have my own plan for getting things back on track, though. Even if I cannot shoot I can make our team better in other ways. Here are my next goals:

  1. Get glasses. I do not see how this can not help. If I wear goggles I can look like Coach Kurt Rambis!
  2. Teach Nikola Pekovic the difference between basketball and rugby. That guy is going to foul out of the United States if he is not careful.
  3. Get more people to call Wesley Johnson "Kill Shark." So far there is me, and... well, that is it. But I still think it has a chance to catch on.
  4. Learn from Kevin Love how to shoot. That guy is awesome and yet he looks like he should be dominating a rec league somewhere. I must find his secret.
  5. Grow a mustache that does not look like it was drawn on with a pencil. I do not see how this can not help.

So there we have it. I have a plan to not only improve me but to improve our whole team! There is nothing we can't do! Unless we are more than eight feet from the basket. Then, forget about it.


*No. As always.