In a lot of ways, building a basketball team is like building a home. Both need a solid foundation, both need one clear vision for the goals of the project, and both need one person at the top of the structure, guiding the project to completion.
With that in mind, we present a step-by-step guide to home building, as written by Timberwolves president of basketball operations David Kahn.
- Set expectations. Tell the owner that their home won't be completely ready for two or three more years, no matter what happens.
-
Start building. This is a great time to begin construction. Start building every one of the rooms of the house now. Just build them separately, and wedge them together later.
- Create blueprint. Now's the time to think about what you actually want the house to look like. May we suggest six of the exact same bedroom? You can never have too many bedrooms. Tell the future resident that you're "acquiring assets," even if you have eighteen bedrooms at this point.
- Randomly destroy four rooms. It doesn't matter which four. Even if you've just destroyed the kitchen, the basement, and both bathrooms.
- Hire a project manager who's completely opposed to your blueprint. For example, if you're looking for a swooping, Frank Gehry-style house, hire a former Soviet architect who's only ever built concrete memorials. Or if you're looking for a solid, squarish, normal, two-bedroom house, see if you can get Frank Gehry!
- Start changing what rooms are for. It's a bedroom! Now it's a family room! Now it's an office! Now put in a sauna and a hot tub!
-
Pile all of the rooms together and let the owner move in. But make sure they know that construction isn't finished yet. Blame any problems, like the inevitable structural deficiencies or code violations, on the previous architect.
-
Build three extra bedrooms. Just in case.
- Remodel the kitchen. Even though you just built it, it could always use an upgrade.
-
Bad-mouth the house. Keep telling the owner that the house still needs lots of work, such as doors from most of the rooms into the other rooms.
- Remember those extra bedrooms? Put toilets and sinks into every one of them. Can't have enough bathrooms. Even if they also have walk-in closets and are way too big.
- Build five more rooms. But remember, you have to take out five rooms to make these fit. May we suggest picking those five rooms at random?
The biggest thing to remember, of course, is this: don't get angry. No matter who wants to talk - the owner, curious neighbors, the city council, the Feds - make sure to be gracious, open, and endearing. If you sound honest and open, people will much more inclined to let you get away with a scattershot style of home building. And who knows? It could all end up working out in the end. Somehow.