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I, Darko, Want To Stay in Minnesota

From Jerry Zgoda and

Darko Milicic has also informed the Wolves that he wants to play in Minnesota next season. "He had a really enjoyable two months, he likes the way we play and he responded well to Kurt," Kahn said of the free-agent center.



by Darko Milicic*

When I find out that I am going to Minnesota, I say, "I spit on Minnesota. Phooey. Minnesota is a terrible team, the winter is bad, and they look in your car windows when you shop at the Ikea." ** I want to go home. I do not want to play in Minnesota, but their president, David Kahn, calls me up. "Darko," he says, "I do not wish to alarm you, but I know many people in Serbia who I can pay to break your thumbs. Plus, Brian Cardinal knows where you live, and he owes me many favors." *** So I go to Minnesota.

I get there, and it snows three feet on my head, and the waitress at the International House of Pancakes refuses to bring me third helpings. **** "You have had enough stuffed French toast to feed three armored divisions," she says. I try to explain about the French army and the Serbian army and the fact that I have not played basketball in months, but it does not help. Cursing in Serbian also does not help. I hate Minnesota.

But then, I play in a game. I am immediately tired because I have not played in months. Also perhaps because of the French toast. I am so tired that I start to have tunnel vision, and I think I see David Kahn floating in front of my eyes. He is holding a hammer. But then I see Coach Kurt Rambis! He slaps David Kahn upside the head with a two-by-four. "David!" he says. "Leave Darko alone! He is our best center, and I am tired of seeing Al Jefferson watch opponents blow by like he's in a lawn chair." ***** I like Coach Rambis very much.

Also, the fans chant my name here! "We want Darko," they say! I heard the same thing on the subway in New York, except they added many things to the end, such as "We want Darko to jump in front of the train," and "We want Darko to give us $20 so that we can get to our cousin's place to pick up a car so that we can take our pregnant wife to the hospital." This is a lie, I tell them. You reek of booze, I say. I am Eastern European; I know from drinking, and you clearly have been drinking rakija since seven o'clock this morning. I will not give you $20. Please do not puke on my shoes.

But here in Minnesota, the fans actually like me. ****** They want me to play more because I am the only reasonably useful defender in the paint on their team, and because I'm still young and have upside, and because my name is fun to say.  When you think about it, at least one and maybe two of those things explain why everyone here loved Kirby Puckett.

So I think that maybe I like Minnesota. It is nicer here than I thought. Only sometimes do your car doors freeze shut, and there are lots of Swedes here. We like Swedes in my country. "The suckers of Europe," we call them. You can tell a Swede any stupid thing and he will believe it. They do not have sarcasm or jokes in Sweden. I think this is because of cold weather, or too much aquavit, or too much time ruling Norway. The fools. *******

I, Darko, want to stay in Minnesota. I will play center, and no one will move me from my position. Who will stop me? Al Jefferson? (Note to you Swedes: That was a joke!)



*Not really.

** We have no idea how Darko actually speaks; the only decent clip we found is this one, with some very NSFW subtitles. (He was mad at the refs.)

*** So far as we know, David Kahn does not know any such people. We do, however, believe that Brian Cardinal would be willing to break thumbs, if asked.

**** No waitress in the history of IHOP has ever actually refused this request.

*****Seriously, it's painful to watch.

****** It's true. We do like Darko.

******* I'm part Swedish. Also I made this stereotype up.