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I, Darko, Am Ready For Basketballs

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From Jerry Zgoda at the Star Tribune:

Wolves centers Darko Milicic and Nikola Pekovic traveled together from Serbia to Minnesota on Tuesday in time for Friday's opening of training camp. Pekovic had been playing with Partizan in the Euroleague. Milicic didn't sign with a pro team there like Pekovic did, but worked with his local coach and played 5-on-5 ball -- which he hasn't done most offseasons -- with his town team.

Asked what kind of shape his client is in, agent Marc Cornstein said, "I mean, he says he's in fantastic shape. I will take him at his word."

by Darko Milicic*

(*No.)

I, Darko, am ready for basketballs! I know some of you were worried that I, Darko, would not be ready for this season, but have no fears. Here are the parts of my offseason plan:

  1. Fishing. This has taught me patience and the ability to sit for long stretches of time, both things I have found useful in my NBA career. I have also several times thrown the ball out of the boat and hit water, just to prove some of you mean Swedes wrong.
  2. Pickup basketball. Most of the years I go home to Serbia and do not think about basketball ever. This year, I went downtown and beat up on players there. It is not too much to say that I dominated them. They were very short, and I was able to make almost one out of every three left-handed hook shots, the best of my life! I also took a couple of right-handed hook shots. I made several. I have asked my coach at home if I may be right-handed.
  3. Workouts. Several times this summer I helped push stalled cars out of my driveway. I walked to the store twice, and I have been eating good foods and only drinking after dinner. I have never worked harder.

I have been calling Marc Cornstein every day, asking him when the lockouts end. He always tells me to wait. Sometimes I think Marc Cornstein does not want to hear from me. He always says he has to go. Who does he need to talk to? Am I less important than Beno Udrih? He is Slovenian! Who wants to talk to Slovenians?

Here are my goals for this year.

  1. Get Kevin Love to take me with him to a club. He is so popular. I do not understand why I am not so popular.
  2. Get Nik Pekovic to stop punching me every time he sees me. I think he does not understand he is not supposed to greet people this way.
  3. Meet Ricky Rubio. I have watched him on TV in Serbia and he seems nice. If he knows my name I think I will just die.
  4. Shoot more hook shots. We Timberwolves are so close to greatness. Hook shots will bring us much closer.
  5. Get you Swedes to cheer for me again. You used to like me, yes? No? You used to chant my name. But last season you all shouted at me and said hurtful things to me on the bench. This year, Swedes, it is I that will be doing the insulting!
  6. Learn to dunk. I have just been told this is allowed. No wonder everyone else makes so many shots!

I hope you are ready. It is a brand-new Darko this year! I am here to shock the Minnesotas! Yes? No?