I, Darko, Am Getting Back In Shape

From Jerry Zgoda in the Minneapolis Star Tribune:

"He hasn't done anything to really give you a lot of faith that he's going to go out and do the job," Adelman said of Milicic. "He's gotten himself out of shape. He hasn't been as driven as you'd like so when a situation like this happens, it's time for someone to have their opportunity and get back in there."

by Darko Milicic*

(*No.)

I, Darko, see that coach Rick Adelman is not happy with me. Me! Darko! I guess I should not be surprised. In January I stayed awake for eighty-two consecutive hours to watch my countryman Novak Djokovic play tennis. I thought this was reasonable but Coach Rick yelled at me when I missed some games because of this. I am sorry, but I had to make sure that the Spanish devil Rafael Nadal did not work his Spanish magic. I am afraid of Spaniards now. They suck you in with their happy smiles and dreamy eyes and then you notice that your wallet is missing.

Coach Rick has also started making up names for me in practice. He used to call me Darko, but now he calls me things such as "Blimpy." I do not understand this. I am not a sandwich shop, coach Rick. Although I do spend off days at Subway, trying to eat as many Cold Cut Combos as possible. I think they must put drugs in those sandwiches. The guy at the counter said that he had never seen anyone eat thirteen foot-long sandwiches in one sitting. I tell him, that is the power of Darko!

But now I am out of shape. I ask, how am I supposed to stay in shape when I play two minutes per game? I am also afraid to go into the weight room because Nikola Pekovic is in there. He is like big Russian guy in Rocky movie, except with Eddie Munster's hair. He has hungry eyes. I am afraid that to him I look like one big Cold Cut Combo. I swore to myself when I came to the NBA that I would never let a Montenegrin eat me for dinner. You are not fooling Darko!

I need to get back in shape. Below is my plan for fitness.

1. Fishing. It is truly the sport of kings. (David Kahn tried to get me to go ice fishing the other day. You are not fooling me with that one, David Kahn. Darko has sunk a pickup truck or two in his day.)
2. The Shake Weight. I am still waiting for my new one to arrive. I had bought one last year but there was an accident and I do not want to talk about it because Anthony Tolliver will laugh at me again. I do not understand his jokes about dolphins.
   
3. Walking. There is a Subway down the street from my home. I will stop having limousines drive me there and will walk there instead. If that Jared can lose eleventy hundred pounds by walking to Subway and back, so can I. I will be the basketball Jared! Without the goofy voice!
4. Dunking. This is very tiring so it must be a good workout. One has to jump as much as four inches in the air. I do not like it, but I will give it a try.
   

So there you have my plan for fitness. (Some of you mean Swedes could use this plan too. You look like blond-haired marshmallows. Quit making fun of me at the IHOP. We should not be enemies.)

I should be back in no time to being Darko! This assumes that Nikola Pekovic does not find out. Please do not tell him. He will hurt me.