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I, Darko, Am Getting Amnestied

By Jon Marthaler
Good night, sweet prince.
Good night, sweet prince.

From ESPN.com:

The Minnesota Timberwolves used their amnesty designation to waive center Darko Milicic on Thursday and submitted an offer sheet to Portland Trail Blazers restricted free agent Nicolas Batum.

by Darko Milicic*

(*No.)

People of Minnesota, it has come to this. I, Darko, your basketball stalwart, your roundball Jesus, has been amnestied. Me! Darko! I cannot believe this!

Of course, I immediately called up Coach Rick Adelman because I knew that this news must be a mistake. Coach Rick has always been so good to me; he never once hit me with a sack full of oranges like Larry Brown used to, and he also did not make me play much basketball, which I liked. I thought we were getting along really well, so I called him up and said, "Coach Rick! How can one do this to me, Darko!?"

Coach Rick said, "Um, this is Jimmy John's." Then I remembered that i changed all of the numbers in my phone to dial Jimmy John's, because in my experience, no matter who I dial I end up asking them to bring me a sandwich anyway and this would cut down on awkward conversations.

So now, I, Darko, am out on the street again, and you Swedes seem happy to be rid of me. Well, you stupid Swedes, it is I that will be doing the laughing from now on. First of all, let me tell you this: lutefisk tastes terrible, blue and yellow make you look like walking cakes, and "krona" is a stupid name for a currency. I have been keeping this all to myself because I know how touchy you Swedes are, but now I can finally say it. I plan to go to a new NBA team where there are no Swedes. Or Montenegrins, because they are scary cannibals.

Here is my four-point plan for finding a new NBA team:

  1. Make a tape of my best left-handed hook shots. I am firmly convinced that the left-handed hook shot is the most beautiful play in basketball, just ahead of the obvious goaltending call by a guy with a weird wispy mustache. I like both of these things very much.
  2. Start wearing goggles on the court. In the history of the NBA, no goggle-wearing player has ever not ended up beloved. The trainer last year would not let me wear goggles because it would make me look like a creepy guy in a trench coat on the subway, but I still think I would look cool.
  3. Grow a beard. Kevin Love looked so cool with a beard and I always wanted to be cool like him. Last year I always tried to get Kevin Love to go to clubs with me after games, but he would always say things like, "Darko, we have to fly to Milwaukee tonight and play there tomorrow." So what? Milwaukee is like twelve minutes away! We will drive there, Kevin Love. Tonight, we party. If I had a beard I could have pulled this off.
  4. Go wherever Al Jefferson is. After watching Al, teams will give out contracts to any stiff who can make even the least effort on defense. It has worked for me before and can do so again. Does Utah have Swedes?

So good riddance to you all. I, Darko, will land with my head above my feet. Yes? No? I have not mastered your English cliches.

After all, these sandwiches will not pay for themselves. Darko out!

(After the jump, a final reckoning of our goofy I, Darko series.)

Goodbye, Darko. You will be missed - if only for your comic potential.