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Wolves Beat Heat to Open Preseason—Nobody Saw It

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The Wolves made a furious second half comeback to beat the Heat 109-100 in their preseason opener.

NBA: Minnesota Timberwolves at Miami Heat Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome to Clyde & Chris’ House of Highlights!

Chris: That’s an amazing suit, Clyde!

Clyde: Thanks! Your hair looks crazy as hell, Chris!

Chris: Um . . . thanks! Well, on to the highlights.

Clyde: Reality, it is deformed!!!

There is no record of any shape or form!

Chris: Ren Hoek meets Shakespeare! You’re on fire tonight, Clyde!

Clyde: You know who else was on fire tonight?

Karl-Anthony Towns,

he didn’t fail to astound,

as he whirled round-and-round,

and knocked Hassan to the ground,

with a putback rebound,

that shook the ground with a pound!

Chris: Got-dayum! I wish there was a video of that!

Clyde: Alas, what a morass!

Chris: More ass?!?

Clyde: Don’t be Crass.

Chris: Sorry. Anyhow, Karl-Anthony Towns recorded a double-double in under 27 minutes, with 20 points, 10 boards and 2 threes. Along with a pair of blocks - I hear one of them shattered the floorboards and embedded itself in the court!

Clyde: That shot, he did abort!

Chris: (attempts to adjust his shirt collar comically) *Glaven*

Um, and Wiggins finished with 19, on 3-11 shooting from the field, and 13 out of 16 at the line.

Clyde: Did he bound and astound?

Chris: 2 bounds in 28 minutes.

Clyde: Oh, Andrew . . .

Chris: Quite . . . And speaking of a quintessential performances, Bazz had 14 on 14 attempts and no assists in 36 minutes.

Clyde: Damn. No steals or blocks, either . . .

How sick was Tricky Ricky,

with the fingers that are sticky?

Chris: He had 3 steals, to go with 9 points, 5 rebounds and 5 assists. He hit his only three point attempt of the game on a set shot underneath the opposite basket. It’s apparently the longest NBA shot ever made!

Clyde: That was insane in the membrane.

Chris: (Nods)

. . . Insane in the brain.

Clyde: Like Miami’s winning chemistry coalition: Hassan Whiteside, Derrick Williams, Deon Waiters & Goran Dragic. Have fun in the sun, Heat fans!

Chris: Well, we could go on all night, but since the NBA unbelievably provided no record of this game full of dunks from the free-throw line & Tom Thibodeau’s new offensive sets, which were previously employed exclusively by The Harlem Globetrotters, let’s cut to the chase:

The Wolves beat the Heat convincingly in Miami. Good enough start for us!