Black Friday’s Eve: Wolves Edition

It’s that time of year again! Time to reflect and give thanks for so many things: friends, family, loved ones, good health, successful careers, and more. It’s also time to devour copious amounts of turkey and stuffing drizzled with gravy and sprinkled with mediocre football games, crying children, barking dogs, and political talks with your elderly relatives that you never intended to have yet here we are at the table yet again getting Grandpa George’s opinion on the recent election.

Nevertheless, as you attempt to recover from the turkey-induced coma that has already set in, it’s also time to start finalizing those holiday shopping lists because...it’s Black Friday’s Eve!

As many of you know, Black Friday is the day following Thanksgiving that has long been regarded as the start of the holiday shopping season. Major retailers across the United States use this day to create a deadly combination of extended business hours and discounted items, resulting in a scene straight out of the Pamplona Running of the Bulls. Regardless of where or how you like to shop, Black Friday is a fantastic (yet chaotic) opportunity to once again shop for those in your life who mean the most to you.

With that in mind, we at Canis Hoopus have compiled a list of some wonderful Christmas items for both diehard Wolves fans as well as the franchise itself (players, coaching staff, front office, etc.) that we think are must-haves this holiday season. Special thanks to the team—John Meyer, Drew Mahowald, Micah Vegter, Elavator Music, Dane Moore, Eric in Madison, Josh Clement, and Clyde Frazier—for their extensive research on this matter.

Without further ado, here’s our list (you’re welcome, Kaitlyn Cuasay):

Gift Ideas for Wolves Fans

• Artwork: For the more well-heeled gift giver, consider a piece of original sports-related artwork. Holly Grimsrud is an artist and former college baller who does a lot of cool sports related work. To see an example of her Wolves related work, check out this link.
• Men’s Health & Women’s Health Subscription: Listen, I know this 12-year playoff drought is starting to take its physical toll on all of us, but Wolves fans should be willing to be a little more patient as the on-court product (which has a cornucopia of talent) continues to develop. The various issues the team is dealing with are in large part due to youth and immaturity. Just hang out in the waiting room a little while longer, enjoy those health magazines, and soon the Wolves name will be called.
• Wolves Snapback Hat: *flame emojis*
• Karl-Anthony Towns Plush Figure: Ever thought to yourself, “I love how mature and talented and awesome KAT is ugh I just want to give him a big hug?” Well, now you can! Additionally, this gift can be used a a makeshift stress ball during second half stretches when the Wolves give up 14-0 runs!
• Zach LaVine Onesie: Need a gift for a young, possibly newborn Wolves fan? I can’t think of anything better than this Zach LaVine onesie. First the onesie, then crawling, then running, then who knows! Possibly 360-degree dunks from the foul line? #BabySteps

• Wolves Shot Glasses: These second half collapses are taking years off my life (please drink responsibly).
• Randy Foye Basketball Card: Mint condition! Glass protective case! The seller is practically GIVING this item away (like literally...it costs $0.15 + shipping and handling)
• Wolf Salt and Pepper Shaker: FYI, this is TECHNICALLY not a Minnesota Timberwolves-branded item; however, it is easily the single-best item found on Amazon when searching “Wolves + Kitchen” and may or may not be something I have asked for from my fiancé this year (spoiler alert: I did). Buyer beware: according to the seller, “spices are not included.”

Gift Ideas for the Wolves Franchise

• Change for a dollar: More specifically, four quarters. At this point, we’ve all been witness to countless second half collapses, whether it be the dreaded #TurdQuarter or blowing massive leads in the fourth. For the low, low price of just $1.00, this gift could possibly be the gift that keeps on giving (more wins)!
• Orange Slices: Seriously, these second half struggles are overshadowing some major early season improvements (most notably Andrew Wiggins’ crisper handle and the team’s emphasis on 3-point shooting). Nikola Pekovic could use the $12 million guaranteed to him this season to buy approximately 27 million oranges, which equates to approximately 100 million orange slices for the team. That much Vitamin C has to cure some of our second half ailments, right?
• Reliable Bench: The starters are playing too many minutes, the end of the roster is muddied by non-healthy bodies, and the middle of the roster is currently underperforming when called upon. Not only does this fantastic product from ULINE withstand heavy loads and won’t rust, but according to the site it also “lasts forever.” Our problems are solved!
• Larry Nance: As President of the “Larry Nance Fan Club,” this was all Elavator Music’s idea. While the Wolves could absolutely use another talented young big who can defend multiple positions, I’m not exactly sure how to acquire a rare-edition gift like this. Maybe an “Adreian Payne for Larry Nance” swap, and the Wolves will toss in any remaining hard feelings from losing the Minneapolis Lakers to Los Angeles? Quick, call Mitch Kupchak and leave a message!
• Throat Lozenges: Thanks to NBA League Pass, I can hear Thibs from my couch on the west coast as clearly as I could if I was sitting on his shoulder. I love the intensity coach, but please take care of those vocal cords (especially during cold season).
• Neuralizer: Remember this beauty from Men in Black? Considering how ugly the on-court product has been lately, and the fact that Christmas is still a month or so away, this device may become REALLY useful for the franchise as we turn the page to 2017.
• Stuart Smalley Intervention: In the end, maybe all this Minnesota basketball franchise needs is a little positive encouragement from a former Minnesota senator.

Have anymore creative gift ideas? I’d love to hear them! With that in mind, have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. Eat lots, and travel safely.