Jimmy Gets Texts

Jimmy Butler knows how to win over a fan base. At his introductory press conference at the Mall of America, Butler divulged his phone number, his ACTUAL PHONE NUMBER, asking critics to contact him directly rather than firing shots from the protective shell of anonymity. Yes, Jimmy probably has no less than five cell phones. Yes, this was probably a pre-planned affair. But it doesn’t change the fact that he, or someone on his team, is getting direct communication from critics, from fans, and from a blogger that’s pretending to work right now.

I immediately reached out to Butler the moment the last digit left his lips, repeatedly texting “First!, First!, First!” (comment section instincts took over my brain for a second). When I finally calmed down, I wrote the following, “JB3, I’m a blogger looking for content. If you can find the time in your non-stop Minnesota touring schedule, would you mind sending me some of the correspondence that you’ve received thus far on your now-public cell phone? Also, can we be best friends?”

A few minutes later, 773-899-6071 popped up on my screen. Jimmy Gets Buckets was calling. He said that he’s been following CH for years and was just waiting for a Vegter21 friendship invitation. So, we’re besties now. Suck on that, Mark Wahlberg. He also read through some of the texts he has received since the announcement. Here’s a few of the highlights:

Fred Hoiberg: You wouldn’t give me your phone number for 2 seasons and always said that you were 2 busy 2 hang out. Now you just give it to everybody? I’m officially rescinding your invitation for the Hoiberg Hoedown Throwdown. Your loss, Jimmy.

Draymond Green: I’ve been having nightmares since last week. There are Wolves chasing me. No matter how many times I punch them in the crotch, they won’t stop. Should I be scared?

Danny Ainge: JB, I made a mistake. I have all the draft picks I’ve ever dreamt of, yet I still feel empty inside. Run away with me?

Gar Forman: I’ve been blacked out since Thursday. What did I do? Why are you at the Mall of America? What happened??? What HAPPENED?!?!?!?!

Thibs:

Kevin Love: JB, it’s Love. Any chance that I can come back to MN? Can you put a good word in for me? You need shooters, right? I can shoot. Lebron doesn’t like me. He keeps trying to trade me for Melo, or PG, and never lets me take pictures with his “squad”. And I miss Ricky. Hit me back.

Joe Mauer: Welcome to Minnesota! This is Joe Mauer of the Minnesota Twins. Just wondering if you can teach me how to “personality” when you have the chance? Thx.

Rondo: Whhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?????????????

David Khan: Jim Butler, this is former GM David Kahn. I’ve emerged from my serpentine lair to let you know that your acquisition was always part of my master plan. Let everyone know that they should credit me for this victory. ME! Kahn! Hssssssssssssssssss....***

***(Jimmy said that Kahn actually texted the hissing noise)

Nikola Pekovic: Butler, this Pek. Left bone saw in locker. Plz return. Give you skin of bear in exchange.

Kevin Garnett: ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Entire State of Minnesota: Sup? You up? Want to get into some steamy playoff action next spring? Eggplant emojis....

Keep getting buckets, Mr. Butler. It’s been less than a week, you haven’t shot a shot, yet you’re already quickly vaulting up the all-time favorite athlete list. I can’t wait to see what’s next. Maybe a guest blogging appearance on a certain website? You know you want to. Just text me and we’ll get it set up.