Hey, Jimmy! This is John. Thanks for stopping by Canis Hoopus. I assume you have been reading the blog every night before going to bed. Speaking of that, I was reading you get up at 5:45 AM and you are already on the court by 6:00 AM and eat the same scrambled egg whites, turkey bacon, turkey sausage, and a protein shake for breakfast each morning. It’s obvious why you have come this far from that kid growing up in Tomball, Texas; you put a tremendous amount of work into each day.
You look ripped and ready to rock. When I saw your Instagram post (pictured above), I knew I had to tweet it for everyone to see. The nation was in agreement, too. You are a freak, in the best sense. Anyways, I’m officially digressing. Here’s the deal, Teen Wolf ... the reason we are writing this super in-depth and analytical blog post is simple. We, La Canis Familia, wanted to offer our best wishes and give you a few presents on this special day. Welcome to the 28 club, Jimmy. I only have four more months left in the club but I know they will be exhilarating with you in town.
My gift to you is some free advice: never change. Keep doing you. That recent VICE SPORTS article Michael Pina wrote (linked above) was awesome to read. You are exactly what this organization has needed for all of these disappointing years. I love your commitment to excellence. The way you approach every single day is motivating. Oh, and if you need someone to yell at this season, scream at Tom. He can handle anything. Plus, it’s obvious he loves you. You’re the son he has always wanted. You’re the wind beneath his wings, as Bette Midler would say.
I suppose if I had to get you a real gift, it would be a Stefon Diggs jersey. I want you guys to become friends. Did you see his game on Monday night against the Saints? Two touchdowns! He even did a little Moss/Milly Rock dance. You can add another wide receiver friend to go with Antonio Brown and Demaryius Thomas.
It's the Stefon Diggs Show in Minnesota! His second TD of the night puts the Vikings up 16-6!pic.twitter.com/VAFESvPHlM— NFL Update (@MySportsUpdate) September 12, 2017
Eric in Madison: Happy birthday, Jimmy. For your birthday, I am giving you a home oxygen tent and a year's supply of BENGAY®. Hopefully it helps when Thibs is playing you eleventy billion minutes this season.
Kyle: Happy birthday, Buckets! For the man who has everything, here's another set of dominoes (I've heard you love dominoes), a foam roller (post-stretching from extreme strenuous activity is equally as important as pre-stretching), and an adult yacht hat (you're the captain now).
Vegter21: Happy birthday, Jimmy! My twitter handle is @vegter21. If you have anything to say to me, complaints about Minnesota, or want to play cards and be best friends, feel free to slide right into those DMs. Tomball Cougars for life!
Tony: Sup, Jimmy. I know the ‘G’ stands for gets and that you probably have all the buckets in the world that you could possibly want, but this is just too good of a gift to not accept. Here is Kevin Garnett’s first bucket as a Timberwolf and I’d like you to have it. I know it’s old but it sure means a lot to us here at Canis! Please treat it with care.
But wait, there’s more!
Here in Minnesota we have a lot of lakes, at least 10,000 of them. Seriously! I know, it’s crazy right? Also, I know you like living it up in LA in the offseason so consider this gift a little incentive to stay here next summer. It’s your very own boat propeller! Now, we couldn’t afford a motor, let alone a boat for that matter so I hope you can get those on your own. If not, maybe we can work something out later this year during boat sale season.
I’m sure you are well aware that it is cold up here in the North! Ha ha ha, it’s always a great conversation when our great state is blessed with the presence of any newcomer. I love talking about how in the world an adult could possibly survive on the frozen tundra up here. Anyway, here is some campfire wood for those frigid nights. This isn’t just any type of wood! Well, OK, it is. But that doesn’t mean it’s not special. It’s from us!
Finally, we have one more gift.
Don’t think we forgot where you came from, Jimmy. We know how much appreciation you have for your last franchise so we all chipped in to get you something special. Please enjoy this authentic matador outfit, sword included! (Note: Canis in no way supports animal abuse so please do not ever use the sword on an actual bull.)
Your love of fashion and your old franchise combined into one fantastic gift. Enjoy!