Dear Slightly/Moderately/Disturbingly (select one) Delusional Sixers Fan –
Welcome to Canis Hoopus! We’re glad you stopped by. What a warm summer we’ve had, right? And can you believe how that one person said that outrageous thing on (insert Social Media Platform Name here) recently and then refused to apologize for it or take it down? We live in crazy times, my friend…
Anyhow, you’re here to talk about Ben Simmons, and we get it, he’s on our mind a lot around here too. But what you may NOT be aware of is that you are not, in fact, the first Sixers fan to drop by our friendly, online watering hole to kick around this subject with us. You are actually around the…um…well, have you ever seen video of that US National Debt counter thing? It’s somewhere around that number, only maybe, slightly a little bit higher. That’s how many of your brethren we have ruminated on said topic with. So with that said, here’s a little cheat sheet that you may find helpful – a list of Frequently Answered Queries, if you will. Reviewing this in advance of engaging with our filthy, degenerate membership should help you avoid the prior pitfalls of others, and make your Canis Hoopus experience more rewarding and enjoyable.
- We are NOT trading you Anthony Edwards
- Ben Simmons is a very talented, but flawed, player
- We are NOT all hot and horny to acquire Ben Simmons, but we would be interested in getting him if the price is right – please keep this firmly in mind during your time here
- Ben Simmons would fit nicely on the Minnesota Timberwolves, and the entire world knows he does not fit at all with Joel Embiid on the Philadelphia 76ers
- Your coach and star player threw Ben Simmons under the bus immediately after your playoff exit and he knows they want to trade him – please do not attempt a "repair the relationship" line of argument as it will cause several of us to laugh until we soil ourselves (and I just did laundry and don’t want to have to go through THAT again)
- Under absolutely ZERO circumstances would we consider trading you Anthony Edwards
- The 76ers are not in a position of strength when it comes to executing a Simmons trade
- Time is not your friend
- No fanbase has more experience being in YOUR shoes right now than we do – "star that wants to leave" rumors are an annual rite of passage around here – so we get the dynamics of this BETTER than you do
- You are not getting Dame or Beal THIS season
- A fringe All-Star and a combo of 3-4 draft picks / rotation guys are probably the best you’re going to do right now, and you should make peace with that
- If you really think the Sixers can just run it back with Simmons & Embiid for another year, there is LITERALLY no reason to leave a comment here about a potential trade
- Do NOT even fu@king ask us about Anthony Edwards being in the deal – it’s not fu@king happening, OK!!!
We hope this helps reasonably set your expectations of visiting Canis Hoopus, and we look forward to interacting with you, at least until you start disregarding this very helpful advice. Once you do that, well, you’re on your own!